Correction/Lettre motivation
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Message de gaellewagner posté le 29-03-2017 à 10:19:17 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
j'ai essayé du mieux que j'ai pu de faire ma lettre de motivation mais je n'ai aucun moyen de la faire vérifier.
Si quelqu'un peut m'aider ce serait avec grand plaisir et avec une immense reconnaissance. Je trouve également qu'il y a beaucoup de redondance pour certaines phrases... Et j'ai eu beaucoup de mal sur les temps à utiliser..
Merci beaucoup...
"Dear Sir or Madam,
Soon graduate/being about to graduate from Bachelor’s degree of management sciences in Aix-Marseille University, I would like to apply for your Master degree in Marketing.
I struggled to find my path after I graduated high school. From 16 to 18 years old, I made many stays in Paris and London with an organism in order to pomote british artists in France. I made tasks a community manager is supposed to do.
Thanks to this experience and regarding to the current world context, I realized that having an international vision as well as understanding english well was very beneficial.
That is why I decided when I was 18 to go to England for 3 months in order to improve my english and this enriching stay allowed me to grow in maturity and in independence.
Firsly, I have tried to focus my studies on communication but I have not found training courses that I like. So I decided, through spite, to attend a law degree that I stopped at the first semester to work in a cinema as a projectionist.
Still in reflexion compared to my futur, I choose to attend a two-year courses as a manager’s assistant in 2014 in order to stay in a general business training course.
Thanks to this training course, I discovered the jobs opening in the field of management that is how I choose to pursue my studies in a Bachelor’s degree of management in Marseille this year – This bachelor’s degree allowed me to discover marketing and strategic management, 2 concrete subjects where I had to analyse business strategies (such as Nespresso, Swatch, Décathlon) and to make my desire to do a international career a reality --
I have always been seduced by learning new languages et by the possibility of going abroad to discover differents cultures and your training course allow to get a solid theorical background with an opening to the international and these make it a high value-added diploma.
Having the ambition of working along with my father in his young wine company which is developing internationally , your quality teaching seems to be in perfect match with my future purpose.
I would be honored to meet you very soon in order to show you my determination and to give you further information you may need to ask.
Best regards, "
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Modifié par lucile83 le 29-03-2017 12:36
Message de gaellewagner posté le 29-03-2017 à 10:19:17 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
j'ai essayé du mieux que j'ai pu de faire ma lettre de motivation mais je n'ai aucun moyen de la faire vérifier.
Si quelqu'un peut m'aider ce serait avec grand plaisir et avec une immense reconnaissance. Je trouve également qu'il y a beaucoup de redondance pour certaines phrases... Et j'ai eu beaucoup de mal sur les temps à utiliser..
Merci beaucoup...
"Dear Sir or Madam,
Soon graduate/being about to graduate from Bachelor’s degree of management sciences in Aix-Marseille University, I would like to apply for your Master degree in Marketing.
I struggled to find my path after I graduated high school. From 16 to 18 years old, I made many stays in Paris and London with an organism in order to pomote british artists in France. I made tasks a community manager is supposed to do.
Thanks to this experience and regarding to the current world context, I realized that having an international vision as well as understanding english well was very beneficial.
That is why I decided when I was 18 to go to England for 3 months in order to improve my english and this enriching stay allowed me to grow in maturity and in independence.
Firsly, I have tried to focus my studies on communication but I have not found training courses that I like. So I decided, through spite, to attend a law degree that I stopped at the first semester to work in a cinema as a projectionist.
Still in reflexion compared to my futur, I choose to attend a two-year courses as a manager’s assistant in 2014 in order to stay in a general business training course.
Thanks to this training course, I discovered the jobs opening in the field of management that is how I choose to pursue my studies in a Bachelor’s degree of management in Marseille this year – This bachelor’s degree allowed me to discover marketing and strategic management, 2 concrete subjects where I had to analyse business strategies (such as Nespresso, Swatch, Décathlon) and to make my desire to do a international career a reality --
I have always been seduced by learning new languages et by the possibility of going abroad to discover differents cultures and your training course allow to get a solid theorical background with an opening to the international and these make it a high value-added diploma.
Having the ambition of working along with my father in his young wine company which is developing internationally , your quality teaching seems to be in perfect match with my future purpose.
I would be honored to meet you very soon in order to show you my determination and to give you further information you may need to ask.
Best regards, "
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 29-03-2017 12:36
Réponse : Correction/Lettre motivation de here4u, postée le 29-03-2017 à 15:14:49 (S | E)
Hello !
"Dear Sir or Madam,
Soon X graduate/being about to graduate from A Bachelor’s degree of management sciences in Aix-Marseille University, I would like to apply for your Master XX degree in Marketing.
I struggled to find my path after I graduated XXXXX high school. From 16 to 18 years old, I made many stays in Paris and London with an organism in order to pomote british artists in France. I made tasks a community manager is supposed to do.
Thanks to this experience and regarding to the current world context, I realized that having an international vision as well as understanding english well was very beneficial.
That is why I decided when I was 18 = word order.to go to England for 3 months in order to improve my english and this enriching stay allowed me to grow in maturity and in independence.
Firsly, I have tried to focus my studies on communication but I have not found training courses that I like. So I decided, through spite,(n'a vraiment pas sa place dans une lettre de motivation... Vous montrez que c'est un choix par défaut et dépît ... un "Plan B"!) to attend(work for?) a law degree that I stopped at the first semester to work in a cinema as a projectionist. (This is not to be explained in this sort of letter ...)
Still in reflexion compared to my futur, I choose to attend a two-year courses as a manager’s assistant in 2014 in order to stay in a general business training course.
Thanks to this training course, I discovered the jobs opening in the field of management that is how I choose (preterite required) to pursue my studies in a Bachelor’s degree of management in Marseille this year – This bachelor’s degree allowed me to discover marketing and strategic management, 2 concrete subjects where I had to analyse business strategies (such as Nespresso, Swatch, Décathlon= they're not strategies, but companies!!!) and to make my desire to do a international career a reality (construction à revoir)--
I have always been seduced(attracted to?) by learning new languages et by the possibility of going abroad to discover differents cultures.
Having the ambition of working along with my father in his young wine company which is developing internationally , your quality teaching seems to be in perfect match with my future purpose.
I would be honored to meet you very soon in order to show you my determination and to give you further information you may need to ask.
Best regards, "
une lettre de motivation doit aussi montrer ce que vous allez apporter à l'entreprise ... pas uniquement ce que vous en attendez...
Ce qui est souligné est maladroit...
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