Journal intime/aide
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Message de tiffany posté le 04-01-2015 à 15:51:00 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
J'ai bientôt une expression écrite type Bac d'anglais. Je vais devoir rédiger une page d'un journal intime durant les immigrations allant vers l'Amérique. Je travaille sur le thème "Mythes et héros" sur le rêve américain.
Pour m’entraîner, je me suis inventé un sujet et j'aimerais s'il vous plait que vous me corrigiez (tournure de phrase, vocabulaire,...).
Merci énormément d'avance.
Mon sujet : Le départ d'un jeune homme en 1890 pouraller en l'Amérique.
Mon expression (200 mots environ) :
"March 2nd,
Dear Diary,
Something astronishing happened to me, today. I always wanted to cross a Atlantic Ocean... And today, I made a dream come true! Could you believe it ? It was incredible, wasn't it ? I'm so happy ! Yesterday, I said goodbye at my parents, and with my money of my work, I token a boat ticket... to go to America ! It was a true achievement !
And, whereas I tell you, my dear diary, I was on a boat... You believe that ?! I'm so merry that I would like dance on the bridge of the boat! But it was rain.
More seriously, I know that I will cope with harsh hardship until America. I will try every possible means for overcome obstacle and reach my goal : become to cook. You see, now I have a true future prospects.
I was a bit scared about what happend... I said to myself "believe in you !". So, believe in me, diary.
That's all for now, dear diary. I have to look for another job, I shall write again tomorrow. Thanks for being here.
Kiss diary,
Marc"
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 04-01-2015 16:50
Message de tiffany posté le 04-01-2015 à 15:51:00 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
J'ai bientôt une expression écrite type Bac d'anglais. Je vais devoir rédiger une page d'un journal intime durant les immigrations allant vers l'Amérique. Je travaille sur le thème "Mythes et héros" sur le rêve américain.
Pour m’entraîner, je me suis inventé un sujet et j'aimerais s'il vous plait que vous me corrigiez (tournure de phrase, vocabulaire,...).
Merci énormément d'avance.
Mon sujet : Le départ d'un jeune homme en 1890 pour
Mon expression (200 mots environ) :
"March 2nd,
Dear Diary,
Something astronishing happened to me, today. I always wanted to cross a Atlantic Ocean... And today, I made a dream come true! Could you believe it ? It was incredible, wasn't it ? I'm so happy ! Yesterday, I said goodbye at my parents, and with my money of my work, I token a boat ticket... to go to America ! It was a true achievement !
And, whereas I tell you, my dear diary, I was on a boat... You believe that ?! I'm so merry that I would like dance on the bridge of the boat! But it was rain.
More seriously, I know that I will cope with harsh hardship until America. I will try every possible means for overcome obstacle and reach my goal : become to cook. You see, now I have a true future prospects.
I was a bit scared about what happend... I said to myself "believe in you !". So, believe in me, diary.
That's all for now, dear diary. I have to look for another job, I shall write again tomorrow. Thanks for being here.
Kiss diary,
Marc"
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 04-01-2015 16:50
Réponse: Journal intime/aide de yaya18, postée le 04-01-2015 à 16:13:57 (S | E)
Hello tiffany
C'est un très bon texte mais j'ai repéré quelques erreurs (Attends la prochaine correction pour être sûr qu'il n'y aura aucune faute) (Erreurs en bleu)
Something astronishing happened to me, today. I always wanted to cross a Atlantic Ocean... And today, I made a dream come true! Could you believe it ? It was incredible, wasn't it ? I'm so happy ! Yesterday, I said goodbye at (Mauvaise préposition) my parents, and with my money of my work, I token (Voulais-tu utiliser le verbe "take" ?) a boat ticket... to go to America ! It was a true achievement !
And, whereas I tell you, my dear diary, I was on a boat... You believe that ?! I'm so merry that I would like dance on the bridge of the boat! But it was rain.
More seriously, I know that I will cope with harsh hardship until America. I will try every possible means for overcome obstacle and reach my goal : become to cook (Que voulez-vous dire par là ?). You see, now I have a true future prospects.
I was a bit scared about what happend... I said to myself "believe in you !". So, believe in me, diary.
That's all for now, dear diary. I have to look for another job, I shall write again tomorrow. Thanks for being here.
See you
Réponse: Journal intime/aide de here4u, postée le 04-01-2015 à 18:09:22 (S | E)
hello !
Some more help ?
Something astronishing happened to me, today. I always wanted to cross a (Il est unique!)Atlantic Ocean... And today, I made a dream come true! Could you believe it ? It was incredible, wasn't it ? I'm so happy ! Yesterday, I said goodbye at my parents, and with my money of my work,(very clumsy!) I token(a token = un jeton ! utiliser : to buy .... au bon temps !) a boat ticket... to go to America ! It was a true achievement !
And, whereas I tell you, my dear diary, I was on a boat(mélange des temps => incompréhensible ...)... You believe that ?! I'm so merry that I would like XX dance on the bridge of the boat! But it was rain.
More seriously, I know that I will cope with harsh hardship until America. I will try every possible means for overcome obstacle and reach my goal : become to cook. You see, now I have a true future prospects.
I was a bit scared about what happend... I said to myself "believe in youXXXXX !". So, believe in meXXXXX, diary.
That's all for now, dear diary. I have to look for another job, I shall write again tomorrow. Thanks for being here.
Kiss diary,
Marc"
Réponse: Journal intime/aide de tiffany, postée le 05-01-2015 à 17:48:54 (S | E)
Hello !
Tout d'abord, merci beaucoup!!!
Avec vos différentes corrections, voici ce que ça donne :
"March 2nd,
Dear Diary,
Something astonishing happened to me, today. I always wanted to cross Atlantic Ocean... And today, I made a dream come true! Could you believe it ? It was incredible, wasn't it ? I'm so happy ! Yesterday, I said goodbye to my parents, and with money of my work, I took a boat ticket... to go to America ! It was a true achievement !
And, whereas I told you, my dear diary, I was on a boat... You believe that ?! I'm so merry that I would like to dance on the pontoon bridge of the boat! But it was rainning.
More seriously, I know that I will cope with harsh hardships until America. I will try every possible means for overcome obstacles and reach my goal : to become cook. You see, now I have a true futures prospects.
I was a bit scared about what happend... I said to myself "believe in you !". So, believe in me, diary.
That's all for now, dear diary. I have to look for another job, I shall write again tomorrow. Thanks for being here.
Kiss diary,
Marc"
Problemes !
Je ne comprends pas certaines erreurs soulignées :
"I will try every possible means for overcome"
"I was a bit scared about what happend... I said to myself "believe in youXXXXX !". So, believe in meXXXXX, diary."
"Kiss diary"
Encore merci
Bonne soirée
Réponse: Journal intime/aide de yaya18, postée le 05-01-2015 à 19:10:26 (S | E)
Rebonjour
"I was a bit scared about what happend"
"Happend" ne peut pas aller avec cette phrase, tu as le choix entre "happened" ou "happens" "had happeened" etc. Suivant le temps grammatical qui convient.
"I will try every possible means for overcome"
Dans cette phrase "for" ne convient pas, il ne peut pas être suivi de "means" dans cette phrase, trouve une autre préposition ;)
Have a good day !
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