Aide/Perdu dans la forêt
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Message de mrnolife posté le 11-09-2014 à 10:00:25 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
j'ai un devoir à rendre demain, j'ai déjà rédigé un texte et j'aimerais que quelqu'un me corrige.
Le sujet du devoir est : I lost myself in the forest and I slept in a haunted house
Le prof avait donné une liste de mots à utiliser, les voici: to peer, to stare, to glance, to observe, to realise, to catch, to grab, to drag, to push, to get closer, to get away from, to follow, to run after, to escape, to chase, to break free, to struggle, to twist, darkness, fog, abandoned, in ruins, isolated, to scream, moonlight, shadow.
Voici le texte que j'ai rédigé:
few years ago when i was small, we had gone camping in a forest, it was night and we were under the moonlight. We had prepared our tents, we were eating whe i heard a noise in the forest.
I began to stare a dark corner of the forest when i saw a shadow in the dark. I got up and i try to caught the shadow but the shadow began to get away when i began to get close.
Few hours later we realised that we were lost. Me and my fellows threw a glances around us, when i saw something in a forest, i began to peer and i realised that it was a house. I began to walked to the house. A thick fog surrounded the house, the house was in ruins, abandoned and isolated in the forest. I was entered in the house and i had began to observe inside the house, after several rooms, i saw the shadow and when she saw me she screamed ("C'est normal c'est l'ombre qui crie, je suis trop fort pour elle :3"). I had tried to grab him but she push me out of his sight and she twist in all directions, she tried to struggle me bug i had more strength that him. I drag him out of the house and i go slept in the house.
Voilà tout ce que j'ai fait, je tiens à préciser que le texte devait être au passé.
Je vous remercie d'avance.
Merci de me faire savoir où se trouvent mes erreurs pour que je ne les refasse pas une deuxième fois.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 11-09-2014 10:58
Message de mrnolife posté le 11-09-2014 à 10:00:25 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
j'ai un devoir à rendre demain, j'ai déjà rédigé un texte et j'aimerais que quelqu'un me corrige.
Le sujet du devoir est : I lost myself in the forest and I slept in a haunted house
Le prof avait donné une liste de mots à utiliser, les voici: to peer, to stare, to glance, to observe, to realise, to catch, to grab, to drag, to push, to get closer, to get away from, to follow, to run after, to escape, to chase, to break free, to struggle, to twist, darkness, fog, abandoned, in ruins, isolated, to scream, moonlight, shadow.
Voici le texte que j'ai rédigé:
few years ago when i was small, we had gone camping in a forest, it was night and we were under the moonlight. We had prepared our tents, we were eating whe i heard a noise in the forest.
I began to stare a dark corner of the forest when i saw a shadow in the dark. I got up and i try to caught the shadow but the shadow began to get away when i began to get close.
Few hours later we realised that we were lost. Me and my fellows threw a glances around us, when i saw something in a forest, i began to peer and i realised that it was a house. I began to walked to the house. A thick fog surrounded the house, the house was in ruins, abandoned and isolated in the forest. I was entered in the house and i had began to observe inside the house, after several rooms, i saw the shadow and when she saw me she screamed ("C'est normal c'est l'ombre qui crie, je suis trop fort pour elle :3"). I had tried to grab him but she push me out of his sight and she twist in all directions, she tried to struggle me bug i had more strength that him. I drag him out of the house and i go slept in the house.
Voilà tout ce que j'ai fait, je tiens à préciser que le texte devait être au passé.
Je vous remercie d'avance.
Merci de me faire savoir où se trouvent mes erreurs pour que je ne les refasse pas une deuxième fois.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 11-09-2014 10:58
Réponse: Aide/Perdu dans la forêt de here4u, postée le 11-09-2014 à 13:36:11 (S | E)
Hello !
Pour avoir corrigé nombre de ce genre d'exercices, et le faire encore ... je peux conseiller de mettre en relief (couleur différente ou italiques) les expressions 'obligées'. Cela aide beaucoup pour la correction ... et "Un correcteur heureux est un correcteur ... généreux"
Je ne me suis pas amusée à contrôler ... (mais le pro demande 'closer' et j'ai vu 'close' ...)
Xfew years ago when i(inadmissible !) was small, we had gone camping in a forest, it was night and we were under the moonlight. We had prepared our tents, we were eating whe i heard a noise in the forest.
I began to stare XX a dark corner of the forest when i saw a shadow in the dark. I got up and i try to caught the shadow but the shadow began to get away when i began to get close.
X Few hours later we realised that we were lost. Me and my fellows threw a glances around us, when i saw something in a forest, i began to peer and i realised that it was a house. I began to walked to the house. A thick fog surrounded the house, the house (mettre un pronom relatf pour éviter la répétition - il y en a déjà eu beaucoup)was in ruins, abandoned and isolated in the forest. I was entered in the house and i had began(ARGH
) to observe inside the house, after several rooms, i saw the shadow and when she(Who's she ?) saw me she screamed ("C'est normal c'est l'ombre qui crie, je suis trop fort pour elle :3"). I had tried to grab him (who's that?)but she 
push me out of his sight and she twist in all directions, she tried to struggle me(Voc?) bug i had more strength that him. I drag him out of the house and i go slept in (4 or 5 mistakes in that segment !)the house.Hurry up! There's a lot of work to be done ! Revoir les temps, les constructions, l'accord des pronoms personnels .... ) Courage !
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