Correction/Email
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Message de kelkun posté le 24-11-2013 à 15:57:46 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
J'ai un devoir d'anglais pour lequel j'aurais besoin d'aide.
Intitulé: While doing a training course in un firm abroad, you witness a flagrant case of discrimination. You report it to your tuto by e-mail, an executive of the company.
Voici ce que je propose :
Dear Mr. Mcafee,
I am writing to report a racist scene to which I assity in your premises. At the morning break i went to the coffee machine with Jon and Ned. Then, Kobe has joined us, and, down from its two meters, he bumped his head against the top of the door. He then underwent the mockery of Jon. Kobe was treated of giraffe, of montain. Jon told him « With little air that you have up there, it's normal that you have a slow mind ». We asked to Jon to stop, but nothing to do, he continued to insult him. After this, Kobe declared us he was accustomed.
It's realy insane, how someone can discriminate someone else juste because he is taller than the average ? Has for years that Kobe was belittled by Jon. You should to call him to order, to dissuade him from insult Kobe. Because if he continues like this Kobe could lose patience and do something he might regret. Also, work in such conditions is not super effective. I do not understand why Jon do that, I have try to change him, to make him realize but nothing to do, I do not have enough influence. But you, yes.
Please do something, this must change.
Sincerely yours.
***** *******, your trainee.
J'aimerais savoir si vous trouvez ça assez complet,si les formules employées sont bonnes, si c'est une bonne structure pour un email et me signaler les fautes.
Merci.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 24-11-2013 16:04
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Modifié par kelkun le 24-11-2013 18:08
Message de kelkun posté le 24-11-2013 à 15:57:46 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
J'ai un devoir d'anglais pour lequel j'aurais besoin d'aide.
Intitulé: While doing a training course in un firm abroad, you witness a flagrant case of discrimination. You report it to your tuto by e-mail, an executive of the company.
Voici ce que je propose :
Dear Mr. Mcafee,
I am writing to report a racist scene to which I assity in your premises. At the morning break i went to the coffee machine with Jon and Ned. Then, Kobe has joined us, and, down from its two meters, he bumped his head against the top of the door. He then underwent the mockery of Jon. Kobe was treated of giraffe, of montain. Jon told him « With little air that you have up there, it's normal that you have a slow mind ». We asked to Jon to stop, but nothing to do, he continued to insult him. After this, Kobe declared us he was accustomed.
It's realy insane, how someone can discriminate someone else juste because he is taller than the average ? Has for years that Kobe was belittled by Jon. You should to call him to order, to dissuade him from insult Kobe. Because if he continues like this Kobe could lose patience and do something he might regret. Also, work in such conditions is not super effective. I do not understand why Jon do that, I have try to change him, to make him realize but nothing to do, I do not have enough influence. But you, yes.
Please do something, this must change.
Sincerely yours.
***** *******, your trainee.
J'aimerais savoir si vous trouvez ça assez complet,si les formules employées sont bonnes, si c'est une bonne structure pour un email et me signaler les fautes.
Merci.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 24-11-2013 16:04
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Modifié par kelkun le 24-11-2013 18:08
Réponse: Correction/Email de gerondif, postée le 24-11-2013 à 23:22:39 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
votre texte est vraiment du français traduit, je le lis et le traduis mot-à-mot et on a la trame française:
une scène raciste à laquelle j'ai assisté: a racist scene to which I assity
vous devriez le rappeler à l'ordre: you should to call him to order...
mais rien à faire: but nothing to do...
mais vous si : but you yes,
Toutes ces structures sont inexactes ou fausses...
Il faudrait le réécrire avec des structures anglaises.
erreurs en bleu:
Dear Mr. Mcafee,
I am writing to report a racist scene to which I assity in your premises. At the morning break i(majuscule) went to the coffee machine with Jon and Ned. Then, Kobe has joined us, and, down from its two meters, he bumped his head against the top of the door. He then underwent the mockery of Jon. Kobe was treated of giraffe, of mountain. Jon told him « With the little air that you have up there, it's normal that you have a slow mind ». We asked to Jon to stop, but nothing to do, he continued to insult him. After this, Kobe
It's realy insane, how someone can discriminate someone else juste because he is taller than the average ? Has for years that Kobe was belittled by Jon. You should to call him to order, to dissuade him from insulting Kobe. Because if he continues like this Kobe could lose patience and do something he might regret. Also, working in such conditions is not super effective. I do not understand why Jon do (3ème personne) that, I have try(participe passé) to change him, to make him realize but nothing to do, I do not have enough influence. But you, yes.
Please do something, this must change.
yours sincerely
Réponse: Correction/Email de kelkun, postée le 25-11-2013 à 00:15:18 (S | E)
Tout d’abord merci pour l'aide, ensuite pour les expressions trop françaises il est vrai que je fais souvent du mot à mot, ne connaissant pas leurs équivalents anglais.
Pour corriger les expressions j'ai trouvé:
Mais rien à faire : But nothing doing (je ne sais pas si je dois laisser le "but" ou directement mettre "nothing doing", peut-être au deuxième mettre "no go". Je ne sais pas si ces expressions sont exactes ou non, ni si elles sont trop familières.
Mais vous, oui : But you, you have ( Pas sûr du tout mais je ne vois que ça ).
Pour les autres (I am writing to report a racist scene to which I assity et Has for years that Kobe ) je ne vois pas comment je devrais modifier.
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Modifié par kelkun le 25-11-2013 00:16
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Modifié par lucile83 le 25-11-2013 06:47
Réponse: Correction/Email de lucile83, postée le 25-11-2013 à 07:10:19 (S | E)
Hello,
Vous devez apprendre à analyser les phrases ou ce que vous avez pensé en français, et apprendre à utiliser un dictionnaire en cherchant un exemple qui se rapporte à votre contexte.
We asked
I do not have enough influence. But you, yes. = mais vous (vous en) avez (voir les réponses brèves)
a racist scene to which I assity in your premises = être présent, être témoin, (cherchez dans assister à un concert, un cours etc.)
Has for years that Kobe = cherchez la structure 'pendant x temps/ cela fait x temps que'
Si vous corrigez ces 4 points le reste sera plus facile.
Réponse: Correction/Email de kelkun, postée le 25-11-2013 à 11:33:49 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup pour ces éclaircissements, j'ai trouvé plusieurs solutions possibles, j'aimerais savoir si elles sont correctes:
Mais rien à faire : But nothing doing ou no go en expressions ou sinon he didn't took account of our advice.
Mais vous, oui : But you, you have.
Depuis des années : Since many years à la place de Has for years .
a racist scene to which I assity in your premises, je pourrais peut-être remplacer par I have seen a racist scene ou I attended a racist scene.
Merci d’avance.
Réponse: Correction/Email de lucile83, postée le 25-11-2013 à 11:56:14 (S | E)
Hello,
Mais rien à faire : he didn't take our advice into account.
Mais vous, oui : But you have.
Depuis des années : for many years .
....a racist scene I attended / I witnessed...(this one would be better)
Vous avez compris le principe pour les traductions; n'oubliez pas de l'appliquer
Donnez votre correction finale car gerondif vous a indiqué d'autres fautes.
Réponse: Correction/Email de kelkun, postée le 25-11-2013 à 12:52:57 (S | E)
Après correction, j’espère que cette fois-ci les structures sont bonnes. En tout cas merci à vous deux pour votre aide, j’essayerai d'appliquer les conseils que vous m'avez donnés.
Dear Mr. Mcafee,
I am writing to report a racist scene I witnessed in your premises. During the morning break I went to the coffee machine with Jon and Ned. Then, Kobe joined us, and, down from its two meters, he bumped his head against the top of the door. He then underwent the mockery of Jon. Kobe was called giraffe, montain. Jon told him « With little air that you have up there, it's normal that you have a slow mind ». We asked to Jon to stop, but he didn't take our advice into account and he continued to insult him. After this, Kobe told us he was accustomed.
It's realy insane, how someone can discriminate someone else juste because he is taller than the average ? For many years Kobe was belittled by Jon. You should reprimand him, to dissuade him from insulting Kobe. Because if he continues like this Kobe could lose patience and do something he might regret. Also, working in such conditions is not super effective. I do not understand why Jon does that, I have tried to change him, to make him realize, but to no avail, I do not have enough influence. But you have.
Please do something, this must change.
Yours sincerely.
Réponse: Correction/Email de lucile83, postée le 25-11-2013 à 13:22:35 (S | E)
Hello,
Bleu = erreurs
vert = corrections
I am writing to report a racist scene I witnessed in your premises. During the morning break I went to the coffee machine with Jon and Ned. Then, Kobe joined us, and, down from itsfrom all of his two metres, he bumped his head against the top of the door. He then underwent the mockery of Jon. Kobe was called a giraffe, montain. Jon told him « With little air that you have up there, it's normal that you have a slow mind ». We asked to Jon to stop, but he didn't take our advice into account and he continued to insult him. After this, Kobe told us he was accustomed.
It's realy...orthographe insane, how someone can discriminate someone else juste because he is taller than the average ? For many years Kobe was had been serait mieux belittled by Jon. You should reprimand him, to dissuade him from insulting Kobe. Because if he continues like this Kobe could lose patience and do something he might regret. Also, working in such conditions is not super effective. I do not understand why Jon does that, I have tried to change him, to make him realize realise, but to no avail, I do not have enough influence. But you have.
Please do something, this must change.
Yours sincerely.
avec quelques efforts.. 
Good job.
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