Nouvelle policiére/correction
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Message de hugo84 posté le 05-05-2013 à 21:03:02 (S | E | F)
Tout d'abord merci aux personnes qui prendront la peine de lire mon sujet et de m'aider sachant que le but de l exercice est d’écrire une nouvelle policière de 400 mots.
Merci de m'aider; je vous suis reconnaissant.
it was nine o clock when my phone was rung, it is Mats Smith my teammate. He wants to tell me the seriaul killer of Townsville made a new victim... I go on the crime scene, on arrival the surprise is big , the family is lying in theyre bed . Only probleme they are all dead. The jurist sounded bodies, there was no track of resisatance, or fight, o burn or perforing exept sign of the serial killer, a stamps representing a clover to four bleeding leaf. the jurist is collected bodies, and left making examination for the laboratory, of my quoted, I examined the house from top to bottom, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing! No sign of a break-in, bloodsatin. By taking out my nickname officiate lucky made an other beautiful surprise, in the garden of the family, a small bird who had just arisen on an edge of the foutain of family drank but unfortunately for he flew away then fell dry, he moved on the ground but had no more the strengths of it, the family was poisoned!
I left seeing the well of the family, i took a sample water and go to examined the sample at the lab. The legist told me that the poison was found on the Oliendar, men that take around one to two hours to kill our little bird but the effect was immediate. A probleme was persist, Oliendar was a poison who it's very difficult to obtain, tattoo artist possessed a small quantity to make their drawings on the animal skin. That the poison mixed with water relaxed skin. The only tatto artist i know is my wife, this is not possible, she so gentle so tender... I decided not to tell him to go home and we make lunch, after we go to slee,p well she slept because i saw my state of stress...
It is ten o'clock in the morning I'm late my alarm has not rung I was unable sleep that from five in the morning. I left to the police station. My morning thinking about this matter but nothing, absolutely nothing. Leaving the refectory, Math calls me and tells me that the serial killer has just make two victims five minutes ago in a shop, but this time we would get it. Math and me arrive in the shop, but this time nothing This is past like he had planned the serial killer opened fire in the Office of Tobacco boss and two customer, we are in a critical phase of the killer changed operating procedure it now watch his victims.
The bodies of victims are carried away, and began a search of the shop there are several very large index firstly had to identify the sex of the killer was a woman was found along a broken fingernail on the floor, and surveillance camera shows a small person with long blond Hair. The tention is at its height while concord indict my wife, and the doubt is deleted, I just found some of the necklace that I gave to my wife for our wedding anniversary of pure gold sculpted by hand. I hurriedly returned to the house but she's gone.
We then declare the alert, all the cameras are used on of the corner looking for her face plate of his car, when have holds on autauroute A9 two teams are sent to the floor and in the air with hélicoptere. The chase begins on the race and finally stuck at the border by customs, take him it to the police station. We went to the station interrogation begins and I told him why did you do it to me but, I barely had time to finish my question here is the beginning trembled then be taken convultion, it died on tells me how broke a tablet cianure stuck in one of his teeth ...
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Modifié par lucile83 le 05-05-2013 21:10
Message de hugo84 posté le 05-05-2013 à 21:03:02 (S | E | F)
Tout d'abord merci aux personnes qui prendront la peine de lire mon sujet et de m'aider sachant que le but de l exercice est d’écrire une nouvelle policière de 400 mots.
Merci de m'aider; je vous suis reconnaissant.
it was nine o clock when my phone was rung, it is Mats Smith my teammate. He wants to tell me the seriaul killer of Townsville made a new victim... I go on the crime scene, on arrival the surprise is big , the family is lying in theyre bed . Only probleme they are all dead. The jurist sounded bodies, there was no track of resisatance, or fight, o burn or perforing exept sign of the serial killer, a stamps representing a clover to four bleeding leaf. the jurist is collected bodies, and left making examination for the laboratory, of my quoted, I examined the house from top to bottom, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing! No sign of a break-in, bloodsatin. By taking out my nickname officiate lucky made an other beautiful surprise, in the garden of the family, a small bird who had just arisen on an edge of the foutain of family drank but unfortunately for he flew away then fell dry, he moved on the ground but had no more the strengths of it, the family was poisoned!
I left seeing the well of the family, i took a sample water and go to examined the sample at the lab. The legist told me that the poison was found on the Oliendar, men that take around one to two hours to kill our little bird but the effect was immediate. A probleme was persist, Oliendar was a poison who it's very difficult to obtain, tattoo artist possessed a small quantity to make their drawings on the animal skin. That the poison mixed with water relaxed skin. The only tatto artist i know is my wife, this is not possible, she so gentle so tender... I decided not to tell him to go home and we make lunch, after we go to slee,p well she slept because i saw my state of stress...
It is ten o'clock in the morning I'm late my alarm has not rung I was unable sleep that from five in the morning. I left to the police station. My morning thinking about this matter but nothing, absolutely nothing. Leaving the refectory, Math calls me and tells me that the serial killer has just make two victims five minutes ago in a shop, but this time we would get it. Math and me arrive in the shop, but this time nothing This is past like he had planned the serial killer opened fire in the Office of Tobacco boss and two customer, we are in a critical phase of the killer changed operating procedure it now watch his victims.
The bodies of victims are carried away, and began a search of the shop there are several very large index firstly had to identify the sex of the killer was a woman was found along a broken fingernail on the floor, and surveillance camera shows a small person with long blond Hair. The tention is at its height while concord indict my wife, and the doubt is deleted, I just found some of the necklace that I gave to my wife for our wedding anniversary of pure gold sculpted by hand. I hurriedly returned to the house but she's gone.
We then declare the alert, all the cameras are used on of the corner looking for her face plate of his car, when have holds on autauroute A9 two teams are sent to the floor and in the air with hélicoptere. The chase begins on the race and finally stuck at the border by customs, take him it to the police station. We went to the station interrogation begins and I told him why did you do it to me but, I barely had time to finish my question here is the beginning trembled then be taken convultion, it died on tells me how broke a tablet cianure stuck in one of his teeth ...
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Modifié par lucile83 le 05-05-2013 21:10
Réponse: Nouvelle policiére/correction de notrepere, postée le 05-05-2013 à 22:40:52 (S | E)
Helloit was nine o clock when my phone was rung (1), it is(1) Mats Smith my teammate. He wants(1) to tell me the seriaul killer of Townsville made
a new victim... I go(1) on(2) the crime scene, on arrival the surprise is(1) big , the family is(1) lying in theyre(3) bed . The Only probleme(3) [verbe manquant] they are(1) all dead. The jurist sounded bodies
, there was no track of resisatance(3), or fight, o burn or perforing exept(3) sign of the serial killer, a stamps representing a clover to four bleeding leaf. the jurist is collected the bodies, and left making examination for the laboratory(1) faute de temps
(2) mauvaise préposition
(3) orthographe
Réponse: Nouvelle policiére/correction de gnanga, postée le 06-05-2013 à 12:35:41 (S | E)
Hello,
encore beaucoup de problème avec les temps que vous utilisez
mais beaucoup de courage. En bleu les fautes à corriger en roses les mots manquants:it was nine o clock when my phone was rung, it is Mats Smith my teammate. He wants to tell me that the seriaul killer of Townsville made a new victim... I go on the crime scene, on arrival the surprise is big , the family is lying in
theyre bed . Only probleme they are all dead. The jurist found c'est encore mieux bodies, there was no track of resisatance, or fight, o burn or perforing exept sign of the serial killer, a stamps representing a clover to four bleeding leaf. the jurist is collected bodies, and left making examination for the laboratory, of my quoted (que vouliez vous dire en français!!!), I examined the house from top to bottom, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing! No sign of a break-in, bloodsatin ( qu'entendez vous par cemot). By taking out my nickname officiate lucky made an other beautiful surprise, in the garden of the family, a small bird who had just arisen on an edge of the foutain of family drank but unfortunately for he flew away then fell dry, he moved on the ground but had no more the strengths of it, the family was poisoned!A nous relire!!!courage
Réponse: Nouvelle policiére/correction de hugo84, postée le 06-05-2013 à 17:48:59 (S | E)
j'avais trouvé que of my quoted signifiait :" de mon coté" et bloodstain tâche de sang
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Modifié par hugo84 le 06-05-2013 17:49
mais sinon le sens du texte est-il bien dans l’ensemble, cela est il convenable pour un devoir noté ?
Réponse: Nouvelle policiére/correction de lucile83, postée le 06-05-2013 à 17:56:01 (S | E)
Hello
aahhh! vous avez donc utilisé un traducteur en ligne qui a traduit n'importe comment à cause de vos fautes d'orthographe en français
j'avais trouvé que of my quoted signifiait :" de mon coté"
quote = coter (à la bourse par exemple)
de = of
mon = my
Pour répondre à votre question que j'avais supprimée et que vous avez repostée ...c'est nul. Je lis 2 lignes et je passe à la copie suivante.
Réponse: Nouvelle policiére/correction de hugo84, postée le 06-05-2013 à 18:03:18 (S | E)
xxxxx
Mais non figurez-vous que j'avais utilisé un dictionnaire en ligne recommandé par ma professeur elle-même... mais après vérification vous avez raison j'ai trouvé:" for my part" mais que pourriez-vous me dire sur le texte, est-il correct ?
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Modifié par hugo84 le 06-05-2013 18:03
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Modifié par lucile83 le 06-05-2013 18:12
Réponse: Nouvelle policiére/correction de lucile83, postée le 06-05-2013 à 18:16:15 (S | E)
Hello,
Tel qu'il est votre texte n'est pas correct.
Si vous nous présentez votre correction personnelle puisque deux membres vous ont aidé,peut-être qu'on pourra juger.
Réponse: Nouvelle policiére/correction de hugo84, postée le 06-05-2013 à 18:17:36 (S | E)
j'ai trouvé cela :
It was nine o clock when my phone was rang, it was Mats Smith my teammate. He wanted to tell me that the serial killer of Townsville made a new victim... I went to the crime scene, on arrival the surprise was big , the family was lying in theyre bed . The only probleme was :they are all dead. The jurist found bodies, there was no track( j'ai vérifier dans le dico, c'est cela!!) of opposition, or fight, o scald or perforing except sign of the serial killer, a stamps representing a clover to four bleeding leaf. the jurist was collected bodies, and left making examination for the laboratory, for my part, I examined the house from top to bottom, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing! No sign of a break-in, bloodsatin. By taking out my nickname officiate lucky made an other beautiful surprise, in the garden of the family, a small bird who had just arisen on an edge of the foutain of family drank but unfortunately for he flew away then fell dry, it moved on the ground but had no more the strengths of it, the family was poisoned!
Réponse: Nouvelle policiére/correction de lucile83, postée le 06-05-2013 à 18:31:07 (S | E)
Hello,
It was nine o clock when my phone
track est pour un animal
scald???
Réponse: Nouvelle policiére/correction de hugo84, postée le 06-05-2013 à 18:35:29 (S | E)
je ne trouve aucune signification pour a l'arrivée :'(
Réponse: Nouvelle policiére/correction de hugo84, postée le 06-05-2013 à 18:45:48 (S | E)
Tout beau tout neuf :
It was nine o clock when my phone was rang, it was Mats Smith my teammate. He wanted to tell me that the serial killer of Townsville made a new victim... I went to the crime scene, on arrival the surprise was big , the family was lying in their bed . The only probleme was :they was all dead. The jurist found bodies, there was no sculd of opposition, or fight, or scald or perforing except sign of the serial killer, a stamps representing a clover to four bleeding trefoil. the jurist was picked up bodies, and left making examination for the laboratory, for my part, I examined the house from top to bottom, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing! No sign of a break-in, bloodstain. By taking out my nickname officier lucky made another beautiful surprise, in the garden of the family, a small bird who had just arisen on an edge of the foutain of family drank but unfortunately for he flew away then falled, it moved on the ground but had no more the dynamism of it, the family was poisoned!
Pourrions-nous passez au suivant?? Si cela ne vous dérange pas ( désolée pour vous )
Réponse: Nouvelle policiére/correction de notrepere, postée le 07-05-2013 à 06:50:38 (S | E)
BonjourNe seriez-vous pas fâché que je ne suive pas vos conseils ? Votre temps vous est précieux et le nôtre aussi.
my phone was rang
A victim is not "made". Il faut tourner la phrase autrement.
The only probleme was :they was
(accorde) all dead (unless you live in the rural southern United States, then they would say "they was all dead" )'jurist' n'est pas le bon mot dans le contexte.
Je vous suggère de nous donner votre texte en français car vos phrases n'ont aucun sens.
Réponse: Nouvelle policiére/correction de lucile83, postée le 07-05-2013 à 08:04:18 (S | E)
Hello,
Un détail: vous devez écrire un texte de 400 mots, or le vôtre en contient plus de 600.
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