Rédaction /meurtre
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Message de lumi16 posté le 10-11-2012 à 17:12:41 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
Pour la rentrée, j'ai une rédaction en anglais, le sujet est de raconter une scène de crime (ça emballe tout de suite
) qui s'est dèjà passée, il faut donc emploer le passé. Voici ma rédaction:
It was in the mountains, the landscape was snow. It was December 24. A grand and a beautiful cottage was in a clearing. In this cottage there lived a rich banker called Xavier . He was reading a book near his fireplace when he heard a noise. He turned slowly and found a stranger in her living room.
A stream of air escaping from the open window of the unknown. The unknown had a knife. Xavier asked:
-Who are you?
he did not answer and rushed to Xavier who protected his book. The library reversed, the books scattered around the room. The burglar jumped again and Xavier fell to the ground reversing the furniture around. They rolled all shouting. The killer stuck his knife in the arm Xavier. He screamed. He struck the culprit, who gave back another stab in the heart.
The murderer had killed Xavier.
Est ce que vous pouvez me dire si il y a des fautes? Et si oui me les expliqer?
Merci beaucoup, d'avance
Lumi
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Modifié par lucile83 le 14-11-2012 20:50
Message de lumi16 posté le 10-11-2012 à 17:12:41 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
Pour la rentrée, j'ai une rédaction en anglais, le sujet est de raconter une scène de crime (ça emballe tout de suite
) qui s'est dèjà passée, il faut donc emploer le passé. Voici ma rédaction:It was in the mountains, the landscape was snow. It was December 24. A grand and a beautiful cottage was in a clearing. In this cottage there lived a rich banker called Xavier . He was reading a book near his fireplace when he heard a noise. He turned slowly and found a stranger in her living room.
A stream of air escaping from the open window of the unknown. The unknown had a knife. Xavier asked:
-Who are you?
he did not answer and rushed to Xavier who protected his book. The library reversed, the books scattered around the room. The burglar jumped again and Xavier fell to the ground reversing the furniture around. They rolled all shouting. The killer stuck his knife in the arm Xavier. He screamed. He struck the culprit, who gave back another stab in the heart.
The murderer had killed Xavier.
Est ce que vous pouvez me dire si il y a des fautes? Et si oui me les expliqer?
Merci beaucoup, d'avance
Lumi
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 14-11-2012 20:50
Réponse: Rédaction /meurtre de bluestar, postée le 10-11-2012 à 22:33:44 (S | E)
Bonsoir
Je suggère quelques changements ci-dessous
It was in the mountains, the landscape was snowy (adjectif pas nom). It was December 24. A grand and a beautiful cottage was in a clearing. In this cottage there lived a rich banker called Xavier . He was reading a book near his fireplace when he heard a noise.
He turned slowly and found a stranger in her
living room. A stream of air escaping from the open window of the unknown
behind the stranger.The unknown stranger had a knife. Xavier asked:-Who are you?
Hhe did not answer and rushed to Xavier who protected his book. The library reversed
, the books scattered around the room. The burglar jumped again and Xavier fell to the ground reversing (scattering)the furniture around. They rolled around all shouting. The killer stuck his knife in the arm Xavier's arm. He screamed. He struck the culprit, who gave back another stabbed him again, in the heart.The murderer had killed Xavier.
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"Intruder" serait mieux que "burglar" et "murderer" et "culprit"
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Modifié par bluestar le 10-11-2012 22:34
Réponse: Rédaction /meurtre de lumi16, postée le 13-11-2012 à 12:01:43 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup pour votre réponse, ça m'a beaucoup aidé
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