Rédaction/ Recount Text
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Message de captcha posté le 23-10-2012 à 14:28:00 (S | E | F)
Bonjour tout le monde !,
notre prof nous a demande de rédiger un "Recount text" sur le sujet :
"The most unforgettable thing happens in your life" et je voudrais s'il vous plait que vous m'aidiez à améliorer ma rédaction xxx.
Merci d'avance pour votre aide !
Hi everyone !
Our teacher has given us an homework who is consist of writing an "Recount Text" about
"The most unforgettabe thing happens in your life" . I would like you to help me improve my writing please and tell me if I'm wrong or not. xxx
Thanks Everyone for your Help !
Title : "Simple Plan"
I'm a big fan of "Simple Plan", a Rock Band of 5 people who's come from Canada . And they have taken a long time before the decided to come to Taiwan. So on the 8th of January, my friend and I decided to go see their concert in the auditorium of Taipei University .The Auditorium was really crowded, but I wasn't worried because I had a VIP place which one I spent about 3600 Taiwanese dollars. Thereby, I was really close to them, and being able to see them in person is really magical and impressive and I was even able to catch the guitar pick of one of the musician before the others did . Everyone was yelling and shouting while they were playing and to attend a such energy and communion can't be explain, you need to feel the vibes ! After the concert, everybody feel that the time gone too soon, we tried to get authographes from them, but it was too hard, because the others tried to do so as well . As a result there were some fights happened but luckily nobody was injuried . We were very tired, almost fell asleep on the road . Finally, it was one of my best memories and I've been waited for a long time to see them . Listening to their music is listening to my life, and that is why I won't forget this moment...and the money I spent .
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Modifié par lucile83 le 23-10-2012 18:16
Mise en forme standard
Message de captcha posté le 23-10-2012 à 14:28:00 (S | E | F)
Bonjour tout le monde !,
notre prof nous a demande de rédiger un "Recount text" sur le sujet :
"The most unforgettable thing happens in your life" et je voudrais s'il vous plait que vous m'aidiez à améliorer ma rédaction xxx.
Merci d'avance pour votre aide !
Hi everyone !
Our teacher has given us an homework who is consist of writing an "Recount Text" about
"The most unforgettabe thing happens in your life" . I would like you to help me improve my writing please and tell me if I'm wrong or not. xxx
Thanks Everyone for your Help !
Title : "Simple Plan"
I'm a big fan of "Simple Plan", a Rock Band of 5 people who's come from Canada . And they have taken a long time before the decided to come to Taiwan. So on the 8th of January, my friend and I decided to go see their concert in the auditorium of Taipei University .The Auditorium was really crowded, but I wasn't worried because I had a VIP place which one I spent about 3600 Taiwanese dollars. Thereby, I was really close to them, and being able to see them in person is really magical and impressive and I was even able to catch the guitar pick of one of the musician before the others did . Everyone was yelling and shouting while they were playing and to attend a such energy and communion can't be explain, you need to feel the vibes ! After the concert, everybody feel that the time gone too soon, we tried to get authographes from them, but it was too hard, because the others tried to do so as well . As a result there were some fights happened but luckily nobody was injuried . We were very tired, almost fell asleep on the road . Finally, it was one of my best memories and I've been waited for a long time to see them . Listening to their music is listening to my life, and that is why I won't forget this moment...and the money I spent .
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 23-10-2012 18:16
Mise en forme standard
Réponse: Rédaction/ Recount Text de kamlio, postée le 23-10-2012 à 16:33:16 (S | E)
Hello,
When I was a student, I remember my teachers were always telling me that I must not use any abbreviation when writing in english (none of those 'I'm happy')
I replaced 'shouting' with 'screaming', because, for me, shouting means with anger, and screming means more with excitement.
The last sentence, I replaced 'in the bus' rather than 'on the road': I do not know how you and your friend went home, but I do hope that is was not 'crawling' on the road so that you may have fallen asleep, it was either in a bus, or in a car or taxi. Maybe even walking, but if you were walking home, I hope you do not fall asleep when you walk ;o)
So here are my suggestions:
'I am a big fan of "Simple Plan", a 5-people Rock Band from Canada. It took them a long time, before they decided to come to Taiwan. So on the 8th of January, my friend and I decided to go to their concert in the auditorium of Taipei University.
The Auditorium was really crowded, but I was not worried because I had a VIP seat on which I spent about 3600 Taiwanese dollars. That is why I was really close to them: being able to see them in person is really magical and impressive and I was even able to catch the guitar stand of one of the musicians before the others did .
Everyone was yelling and screaming while they were playing, and to attend such an energic show cannot be explained clearly, you need to feel the vibes ! After the concert, everybody felt the time had gone too fast, we tried to get authographes from them, but it was too hard, because the others tried to do so as well . As a result there were some fights happening but luckily nobody was injured . We were so tired that we almost fell asleep in the bus.
In conclusion, it was one of my best souvenirs and I had been waiting for a long time to see them . Listening to their music is listening to my life, and that is why I will not forget this moment... nither will I forget the money I spent'
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Modifié par lucile83 le 23-10-2012 18:20
Pas de correction toute faite, merci.Réponse: Rédaction/ Recount Text de captcha, postée le 23-10-2012 à 17:13:22 (S | E)
Hello Kamlio ! Thanks for taking your time to answer me !
My God, when I see all the corrections or suggestions you did, I think I need a lot of improvement !
Also, thanks for the tips you gave, I didn't know we shouldn't use abbreviation for a writing .
I am a big fan of "Simple Plan", a 5-people Rock Band from Canada. It took them a long time, before they decided to come to Taiwan. So on the 8th of January, my friend and I decided to go to their concert in the auditorium of Taipei University.
Haa c'est vrai on y repensant j'aurai du choisir "It took" au lieu de "They have taken" mais est-ce-que je peux dire "They had taken" ? Puis que le Past perfect sont deux actions dans le passee dans l'une est beaucoup plus au passe (Je sais grammaire nulle XD)
The Auditorium was really crowded, but I was not worried because I had a VIP seat on which I spent about 3600 Taiwanese dollars. That is why I was really close to them: being able to see them in person is really magical and impressive and I was even able to catch the guitar stand of one of the musicians before the others did .
Penses-tu qu'ecrire "Thereby" est un peu bizarre ? sinon "That is why" a mon avis est beaucoup plus simple et concis que "Thereby" .
Et je voulais aussi demander pourquoi on ne dit pas "guitar pick" ? ^^
Everyone was yelling and screaming while they were playing, and to attend such an energic show cannot be explained clearly, you need to feel the vibes ! After the concert, everybody felt the time had gone too fast, we tried to get authographes from them, but it was too hard, because the others tried to do so as well . As a result there were some fights happening but luckily nobody was injured . We were so tired that we almost fell asleep in the bus.
Merci pour la difference entre "yelling" and "Screaming"
. Mais je me demandais "To attend such an energic show cannot explained clearly" peut-il etre traduit dans ce sens "Assister a un tel show energetique ne peut s'expliquer clairement" .Si on veut utiliser le mot "Vibes" doit-il etre necessairement suivi de "Feel" ?
Hahahaha ! Nooo It wasn't "crawling" on the road ! Actually, I wanted to emphasis about how tired we were XD !
In conclusion, it was one of my best souvenirs and I had been waiting for a long time to see them . Listening to their music is listening to my life, and that is why I will not forget this moment... nither will I forget the money I spent
Merci, grace a toi je viens d'apprendre une nouvelle tournure de phrase .
Mais pourquoi y'a t-il une inversion c'est-a-dire "Will I" ? Et je trouve la facon dont la phrase est ecrite bien faite . J'espere que je pourrai l'utiliser dans une prochaine redaction .
Sooorrrryyy for all these questions and a Big thanks for your help !
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Modifié par lucile83 le 23-10-2012 18:21
Réponse: Rédaction/ Recount Text de bluestar, postée le 23-10-2012 à 17:45:13 (S | E)
Bonjour..
The inversion is needed after "neither" (not 'nither')
For example:
She didn't write and neither did she phone.
I won't tell him and neither will I tell you.
There are also a few spelling errors..
"Authographes"..."Energic"
"There were some fights happening"...."happening" is de trop and not needed here...
Réponse: Rédaction/ Recount Text de captcha, postée le 24-10-2012 à 14:37:49 (S | E)
Merci à vous deux pour vos réponses . Thanks both of you for your answers.
I will try to do my best for the next writing.
Thanks !
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Modifié par lucile83 le 24-10-2012 15:01
Réponse: Rédaction/ Recount Text de kamlio, postée le 29-10-2012 à 15:53:32 (S | E)
Hello Captcha,
I do not think that you need that much improvement, only practice!
'I am a big fan of "Simple Plan", a 5-people Rock Band from Canada. It took them a long time, before they decided to come to Taiwan. So on the 8th of January, my friend and I decided to go to their concert in the auditorium of Taipei University. '
I only suggested 'it took them a long time, before they decided to come to Taiwan', because it seems to me the most appropriate way to say 'ils ont mis beaucoupd de temps pour se décider à venir à Taiwan'!
Haa c'est vrai on y repensant j'aurai du choisir "It took" au lieu de "They have taken" mais est-ce-que je peux dire "They had taken" ? Je ne suis pas sûre de bien comprendre, mais en tout cas, non, quelque soit ta phrase, je ne pense pas que le past perfect soit nécessaire…
The Auditorium was really crowded, but I was not worried because I had a VIP seat on which I spent about 3600 Taiwanese dollars. That is why I was really close to them: being able to see them in person is really magical and impressive and I was even able to catch the guitar stand of one of the musicians before the others did .
Non, Thereby est sûrement très bien, simplement, je n'ai pas l'habitude de le rencontrer ni de l'utiliser.
Pourquoi on ne dit pas 'guitar pick'? Et je voulais aussi demander pourquoi on ne dit pas "guitar pick"
Je ne sais pas, mais en recherchant sur internet, j'ai vu que la traduction de 'guitar pick' était le 'médiator'…
Everyone was yelling and screaming while they were playing, and to attend such an energic show cannot be explained clearly, you need to feel the vibes ! After the concert, everybody felt the time had gone too fast, we tried to get authographes from them, but it was too hard, because the others tried to do so as well . As a result there were some fights happening but luckily nobody was injured . We were so tired that we almost fell asleep in the bus.
Merci pour la difference entre "yelling" and "Screaming" . Mais je me demandais "To attend such an energic Mea Culpa, le terme anglais est 'energetic show cannot be explained clearly" peut-il etre traduit dans ce sens "Assister a un tel show energetique ne peut s'expliquer clairement" . Donc oui, si tu le traduis comme tu me l'as dis (mais avec le mot anglais 'energetic'), çe devrait aller :o))
Si on veut utiliser le mot "Vibes" doit-il etre necessairement suivi de "Feel" ?
oui, car même en français, tu ressens une sensation, tu ne la vois pas, je pense
Hahahaha ! Nooo It wasn't "crawling" on the road ! Actually, I wanted to emphasis about how tired we were XD !
Alors, ça devait être vraiment génial!!
In conclusion, it was one of my best souvenirs and I had been waiting for a long time to see them . Listening to their music is listening to my life, and that is why I will not forget this moment... nither will I forget the money I spent
Merci, grace a toi je viens d'apprendre une nouvelle tournure de phrase .
Mais pourquoi y'a t-il une inversion c'est-a-dire "Will I" ? Et je trouve la facon dont la phrase est ecrite bien faite . J'espere que je pourrai l'utiliser dans une prochaine redaction .
Alors là, je donne ma langue au chat car je n'ai pas de claire explication pour avoir mis là une inversion verbe-sujet… je tiens peut-être mon anglais un peu trop de la pratique sans l'aide d'un guide grammatical…
J'espère que tout ce qui je t'ai écrit va t'aider pour ta dissertation!
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