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Correction/ Essay
Message de frapedur posté le 30-05-2012 à 09:53:50 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous !
Certains d'entre vous reconnaîtront sûrement mon pseudonyme même s'il date du bon vieux temps où j'avais 14 ans et où je jouais aux énigmes dessinées et aux fameux triplets ! J'ai 19 ans à présent et j'aurais besoin de votre aide pour la correction de la première partie d'un "abstract" pour mon rapport de stage dont je vous fais part afin d'éviter au maximum les grossières fautes (pronoms, articles...) ou les tournures un peu trop "frenchy".
Juste pour le contexte, c'est un stage chez les Sapeurs pompiers où je suis chargé de créer des outils d'aide à la décision (business intelligence)
Voici la première partie de mon travail:
1er paragraphe; Objet de l'étude
High representatives of the firefighters always need to have information, in real time, on the activity of their men. Therefore, they cannot ask for information from pillar to post or to make everything themselves manually. Implementation of statistical tools thanks to the business intelligence also became vital. Thanks to its tools, colonels will be able to define the parameters of the software and obtain the highest quantity of information they need in a totally automatic way.
2ème paragraphe; Les données
All the data which I use are raw data based on a server distributed by an IT company. These data are entered by operators as soon as a call arrives at 18 (French phone number for fire or help emergency) or by fire brigade in their barracks to inform for example the availability of their men, indicate a vehicle in repair…
Then they are distributed in the corresponding table (Interventions, Calls, Vehicles, Staff…) and we can also ask them to obtain that we want.
Merci d'avance pour votre volonté d'aider, qui je suis sûr, n'a pas faibli depuis le temps où je fréquentais assidûment ce site!
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Modifié par lucile83 le 30-05-2012 10:28
Welcome back!
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Modifié par frapedur le 30-05-2012 10:39
Thanks Lucile !
Message de frapedur posté le 30-05-2012 à 09:53:50 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous !
Certains d'entre vous reconnaîtront sûrement mon pseudonyme même s'il date du bon vieux temps où j'avais 14 ans et où je jouais aux énigmes dessinées et aux fameux triplets ! J'ai 19 ans à présent et j'aurais besoin de votre aide pour la correction de la première partie d'un "abstract" pour mon rapport de stage dont je vous fais part afin d'éviter au maximum les grossières fautes (pronoms, articles...) ou les tournures un peu trop "frenchy".
Juste pour le contexte, c'est un stage chez les Sapeurs pompiers où je suis chargé de créer des outils d'aide à la décision (business intelligence)
Voici la première partie de mon travail:
1er paragraphe; Objet de l'étude
High representatives of the firefighters always need to have information, in real time, on the activity of their men. Therefore, they cannot ask for information from pillar to post or to make everything themselves manually. Implementation of statistical tools thanks to the business intelligence also became vital. Thanks to its tools, colonels will be able to define the parameters of the software and obtain the highest quantity of information they need in a totally automatic way.
2ème paragraphe; Les données
All the data which I use are raw data based on a server distributed by an IT company. These data are entered by operators as soon as a call arrives at 18 (French phone number for fire or help emergency) or by fire brigade in their barracks to inform for example the availability of their men, indicate a vehicle in repair…
Then they are distributed in the corresponding table (Interventions, Calls, Vehicles, Staff…) and we can also ask them to obtain that we want.
Merci d'avance pour votre volonté d'aider, qui je suis sûr, n'a pas faibli depuis le temps où je fréquentais assidûment ce site!
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 30-05-2012 10:28
Welcome back!
-------------------
Modifié par frapedur le 30-05-2012 10:39
Thanks Lucile !
Réponse: Correction/ Essay de lucile83, postée le 08-06-2012 à 17:52:07 (S | E)
Anyone?
Réponse: Correction/ Essay de gerondif, postée le 08-06-2012 à 18:11:35 (S | E)
Hello,
High representatives of the firefighters always need to have information, in real time, on the activity of their men. Therefore, they cannot ask for information from pillar to post or to make(le verbe dépend de cannot) everything themselves manually. Implementation of statistical tools thanks to the business intelligence also(consequently? therefore?) became vital. Thanks to its tools, colonels will be able to define the parameters of the software and obtain the highest quantity of information they need (as much information as they need )in a totally automatic way.
2ème paragraphe; Les données
All the data which I use are raw data based on a server distributed by an IT company. These data are entered by operators as soon as a call arrives at 18 (French phone number for fire or help emergency) or by the fire brigade in their barracks to inform for example about the availability of their men, to indicate a vehicle in repair…
Then they are distributed in the corresponding table (Interventions, Calls, Vehicles, Staff…) and we can also ask them to obtain that we want.(qui est ce "we?")
Réponse: Correction/ Essay de sherry48, postée le 09-06-2012 à 01:24:43 (S | E)
Hello. In addition, take another look at these areas.
They cannot ask for information from pillar to post (I'm not sure this fits here.)or to make (make or do?) everything themselves manually
Implementation of statistical tools thanks to the business intelligence ____also became vital.
...to inform for example the availability of their men... Maybe gerondif's suggestion here is sufficient.
Data is uncountable, so I wouldn't write 'These data are...'
Sherry
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Modifié par sherry48 le 09-06-2012 01:25
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