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Correction/superhero
Message de laura60400 posté le 04-05-2012 à 12:16:45 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous,
J'ai fait une argumentation répondant au sujet mais j'ai un niveau assez faible en anglais.
Pourriez-vous m'aider à corriger mon texte s'il vous plaît?
Merci d'avance.
"Would you like to be a superhero?
Maybe by becoming a superhero, that would give me many advantages such as an Armour that resists all impacts, a secret identity that would allow me to keep some personal privacy, a super costume which would protect me from my enemies and a great power that will make me somehow untouchable.
Maybe by becoming a superhero, I will have the advantage of gaining recognition for everyone because I would have a craving for saving the population at risk and change the world to make it more better for people in difficulties.
Maybe by becoming a superhero, I would stop the war in the world to make peace possible, I would allow everyone to live together in good conditions.
Maybe by becoming a superhero, I would gain a certain prestige and this will allow me to find meaning in my life: To save the world and help people at risk because for me it°s my vision of a superhero.
But all this is it possible the world we live in? Is it possible for an alone person to provide all these functions?
In my opinion, I think unfortunately it's too much responsibility to bear and myself by becoming a superhero I would can't satisfy everyone. Moreover, the world we live in, the function of superheroes reports only the admiration of the people but not enough when you return to the harsh reality of things.
However, is this price to pay if we want to do good around us?"
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Modifié par lucile83 le 04-05-2012 19:18
Message de laura60400 posté le 04-05-2012 à 12:16:45 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous,
J'ai fait une argumentation répondant au sujet mais j'ai un niveau assez faible en anglais.
Pourriez-vous m'aider à corriger mon texte s'il vous plaît?
Merci d'avance.
"Would you like to be a superhero?
Maybe by becoming a superhero, that would give me many advantages such as an Armour that resists all impacts, a secret identity that would allow me to keep some personal privacy, a super costume which would protect me from my enemies and a great power that will make me somehow untouchable.
Maybe by becoming a superhero, I will have the advantage of gaining recognition for everyone because I would have a craving for saving the population at risk and change the world to make it more better for people in difficulties.
Maybe by becoming a superhero, I would stop the war in the world to make peace possible, I would allow everyone to live together in good conditions.
Maybe by becoming a superhero, I would gain a certain prestige and this will allow me to find meaning in my life: To save the world and help people at risk because for me it°s my vision of a superhero.
But all this is it possible the world we live in? Is it possible for an alone person to provide all these functions?
In my opinion, I think unfortunately it's too much responsibility to bear and myself by becoming a superhero I would can't satisfy everyone. Moreover, the world we live in, the function of superheroes reports only the admiration of the people but not enough when you return to the harsh reality of things.
However, is this price to pay if we want to do good around us?"
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Modifié par lucile83 le 04-05-2012 19:18
Réponse: Correction/superhero de bluestar, postée le 04-05-2012 à 23:40:38 (S | E)
Hello,
Here are a few suggestions:
The first paragraph should have the same structure as paragraphs 2, 3, and 4. You should look at it again.
These phrases are wrong:
"more better"....
"an alone person"...
"I would can't satisfy everyone"...
In the text you use both the future tense ("will") and the conditional mood ("would"). One is appropriate and the other one is not.
You don't need to say "In my opinion I think.."..The reader will know that it's all your opinion.
The sentence beginning.."Moreover the world we live in....harsh reality of things" is very obscure.
Réponse: Correction/superhero de laura60400, postée le 05-05-2012 à 09:15:03 (S | E)
Merci de votre aide, par contre je ne comprends pas très bien lorsque vous dites " revoyer la structure du paragraphe 1", qu'est-ce que vous entendez par "structure"?
Merci d'avance.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 05-05-2012 09:46
Réponse: Correction/superhero de bluestar, postée le 05-05-2012 à 09:52:59 (S | E)
Bonjour...
Regardez l'expression: "Maybe by becoming a superhero.." etc.
Le reste de la phrase doit indiquer clairement à quoi l'expression se réfère; il faudrait donc dire:
"Maybe by becoming a superhero, I would gain many advantages.." etc.,
qui est la même structure que dans les autres paragraphes.
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Modifié par bluestar le 05-05-2012 09:53
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Modifié par lucile83 le 05-05-2012 09:55
Réponse: Correction/superhero de laura60400, postée le 05-05-2012 à 13:47:09 (S | E)
ok merci. Cependant dans le reste du texte, il y at-il beaucoup de fautes ?
Merci d'avance
Réponse: Correction/superhero de bluestar, postée le 05-05-2012 à 15:04:02 (S | E)
Hello,
Here are some other points for you to look at:
Close the inverted commas in your title.
"an Armour" -- pourquoi la majuscule?
"a craving for.." - normally used in relation to food, e.g. "I have a craving for chocolate"
Better would be "I would have a wish to save..." etc.
..."because for me it's my vision of a superhero.."...Use a normal apostrophe here, not that circular one you have used.
"But all this is it possible..."....."all this" is misplaced.
"myself by becoming a superhero I would .." -- "myself" est de trop ici..
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