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Théme littéraire/correction
Message de mickaelevr posté le 26-04-2012 à 15:45:42 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
j'ai essayé de faire ce thème à l'aide du "double-clic".
Voici l'original:
Quelques heures de cette nuit claire suffirent à Mira pour dire ce qu'elle avait vécu après leur dernier concert. Si, en racontant, elle avait pleuré, crié sa détresse, le récit aurait sans doute été moins dur à entendre. Mais elle disparut derrière un paravent et, une minute plus tard, Volski vit une femme qui ressemblait peu à la "blondasse" avinée de tout à l'heure. Son visage fouetté d'eau froide, s'affina, ses cheveux tirés sur la nuque donnaient à ses traits l'air de celle qui fait face à un vent nocturne, puissant et glacé. La trace d'une vieille cicatrice marquait le haut de son front. Sur un mur, il remarqua plusieurs dessins, sans doute faits par des enfant.
" La dernière fois, on s'est vus en décembre, oui, à notre concert...Et puis, c'est devenu pire qu'avant."
Voici ma traduction:
A few hours of this clear night were enough to Mira to tell that she had seen after their last concert. If, when she telling, she has wept, she has cried her distress, the story must have been less hard to hear. But she disappeared behind a folding screen and, one minute later, Volski saw woman that to less look like the brassy blonde inebriated of earlier. Her face, lashed by cold water, slimmed down, her hairs pulled on the neck suggested that her features the impression from that faces up to night wind, strong and ice. The trace of an old scar marked her high forehead. On a wall, he noticed lot of drawing, probably made by child.
“The last, it was seen on December, yes, in our concert ... and, it became worse than before.”
Je remercie d'avance les personnes qui accepteront de prendre le temps de m'indiquer mes erreurs.
Bonne journée.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 26-04-2012 16:02
Message de mickaelevr posté le 26-04-2012 à 15:45:42 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
j'ai essayé de faire ce thème à l'aide du "double-clic".
Voici l'original:
Quelques heures de cette nuit claire suffirent à Mira pour dire ce qu'elle avait vécu après leur dernier concert. Si, en racontant, elle avait pleuré, crié sa détresse, le récit aurait sans doute été moins dur à entendre. Mais elle disparut derrière un paravent et, une minute plus tard, Volski vit une femme qui ressemblait peu à la "blondasse" avinée de tout à l'heure. Son visage fouetté d'eau froide, s'affina, ses cheveux tirés sur la nuque donnaient à ses traits l'air de celle qui fait face à un vent nocturne, puissant et glacé. La trace d'une vieille cicatrice marquait le haut de son front. Sur un mur, il remarqua plusieurs dessins, sans doute faits par des enfant.
" La dernière fois, on s'est vus en décembre, oui, à notre concert...Et puis, c'est devenu pire qu'avant."
Voici ma traduction:
A few hours of this clear night were enough to Mira to tell that she had seen after their last concert. If, when she telling, she has wept, she has cried her distress, the story must have been less hard to hear. But she disappeared behind a folding screen and, one minute later, Volski saw woman that to less look like the brassy blonde inebriated of earlier. Her face, lashed by cold water, slimmed down, her hairs pulled on the neck suggested that her features the impression from that faces up to night wind, strong and ice. The trace of an old scar marked her high forehead. On a wall, he noticed lot of drawing, probably made by child.
“The last, it was seen on December, yes, in our concert ... and, it became worse than before.”
Je remercie d'avance les personnes qui accepteront de prendre le temps de m'indiquer mes erreurs.
Bonne journée.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 26-04-2012 16:02
Réponse: Théme littéraire/correction de notrepere, postée le 26-04-2012 à 17:45:40 (S | E)
BonjourA few hours of this clear night were enough to
Mira to tell that she had seen after their last concert. If, when she telling, she has wept, she has cried her distress, the story must have been less hard to hear. But she disappeared behind a folding screen and, one minute later, Volski saw woman that to less look like the brassy blonde inebriated of earlier(cet extrait n'a aucun sens du tout). Her face, lashed by cold water, slimmed down, her hairs pulled on the neck suggested that her features the impression from that faces up to night wind, strong and ice. The trace of an old scar marked her high forehead. On a wall, he noticed lots of drawings, probably made by [ ] child.“The last
, it was seen on December, yes, in our concert ... and, it became worse than before.”-------------------
Modifié par notrepere le 26-04-2012 17:46
Réponse: Théme littéraire/correction de mickaelevr, postée le 26-04-2012 à 18:21:39 (S | E)
Je vous remercie.
A few hours of this clear night were enough for Mira to tell (rien?) she had seen after their last concert. If, when telling, she had wept, she had cried its distress, the story must have been less hard to hear. But she disappeared behind a folding screen and, one minute later, Volski saw a woman that bore little resemblance the inebriated brassy blonde of earlier. Her face, that had lashed by cold water, slimmed down, her hair pulled of the neck suggested that her features a impression one that faces up to night wind, strong and iced. The trace of an old scar marked her high forehead. On a wall, he noticed lots of drawings, probably made by [?] child.
“The last time, it was seen on December, yes, in our concert ... and, it became worse than before."
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Modifié par mickaelevr le 26-04-2012 18:22
Réponse: Théme littéraire/correction de notrepere, postée le 26-04-2012 à 19:22:50 (S | E)
BonjourVotre texte est beaucoup mieux. Très bien.
A few hours of this clear night were enough for Mira to tell (1) she had seen after their last concert. If, when telling, she had wept, she had cried in distress, the story might have been less hard to hear. But she disappeared behind a folding screen and, one minute later, Volski saw a woman that bore little resemblance
(préposition manquante) the inebriated brassy blonde of earlier. Her face, that had lashed(ce mot n'a aucun sens dans le contexte, mais je ne trouve pas la bonne traduction) by cold water, slimmed down, her hair pulled of the neck suggested that her features a impression one that faces up to night wind(à refaire), strong and iced. The trace of an old scar marked her high forehead. On a wall, he noticed lots of drawings, probably made by 
“The last time, it was seen was in December, yes, at our concert ... and, it
(1) Dites-moi ce que vous avez fait! Tell me what you've done! Adaptez...
Les francophones peuvent vous aider plus.
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Modifié par notrepere le 26-04-2012 19:24
Réponse: Théme littéraire/correction de mickaelevr, postée le 27-04-2012 à 18:43:12 (S | E)
Je vous remercie beaucoup de m'avoir bien aidé !!
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Modifié par mickaelevr le 27-04-2012 18:47
Pourriez-vous m'expliquer pourquoi "IN" Distress, au début de la seconde ligne s'il vous plait. Merci
Réponse: Théme littéraire/correction de notrepere, postée le 27-04-2012 à 19:44:12 (S | E)
BonjourL'expression "to cry in distress" est très connue en anglais. On ne dit pas "his/her/its distress".
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