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Death Penalty in the USA
Message de celine67 posté le 14-10-2011 à 21:07:50 (S | E | F)
Hello everyone,
I'm preparing the "concours d'entrée aux écoles de commerce" and a big part of it is theversions and themes translations from and into English. We are asked to translate all sorts of texts, and here is one I tried to translate to get used to it but I guess it is not really idiomatic...
Could someone help me please?.
Thanks in advance.
Here is the text in French:
"La dimension inéluctable de l'événement rend plus poignante encore cette image de prières à l'extérieur de la prison. Mais, au-delà du terrible sentiment d'impuissance qui marque ces visages, une lueur d'espoir éclaire ce moment de douleur: et si c'était la dernière fois qu'on assistait à pareille scène aux EU? Ces derniers jours, la médiatisation a été si forte, l'émotion si vaste, que l'impact négatif sur l'image du pays tout entier - et donc celle de Barack Obama, privé de pouvoir dans cette affaire relevant du droit des états - paraît plus ravageur que jamais. Ravageur et, espérons-le, décisif: cette nation, où la proportion d'abolitionnistes progresse de manière prometteuse (ils seraient près de 30% aujourd'hui), peut-elle vraiment se permettre d'exécuter froidement, au risque de passer aux yeux du monde pour l'égale en la matière de la Chine ou du Pakistan. On a tendance à l'oublier, mais entre 1967 et 1977, suite à un moratoire, aucune exécution n'avait eu lieu dans le pays. Et si un sursaut de conscience collective faisait à nouveau basculer les EU du côté de la vie?"
Telerama, 28 septembre 2011
And here is my try:
The supplications out of the prison were seen as even more poignant because of the unavoidable dimension of the event. But beyond those faces which are marked with a terrible feeling of powerlessness there is cause for hope however in this moment of pain. What if it was the last time you could attend such a scene in the US? These last days, media coverage has been so intensive, emotion so wide, that the whole country has therefore suffer bad press - and so did Barack Obama who is powerless in this state-owned affair(/case?). This negative impact has been destructive and may hopefully be conclusive. Could this nation, where the part of abolitionists increases in a hopeful way (they should be about a 30% now), really allow itself to execute coldly (/without feeling?) without being taken for the equivalent of China or Pakistan?
We are inclined to forget it, but between 1967 and 1977, after a moratorium, no executions had taken place in the country. What if the Americans with a startle of collective conscience would make the US swing over to the lifeside?
The objective is to make it sound natural for an English speaker...
Thank you very much,
Céline
-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 14-10-2011 21:50
couleur du texte et forum
Message de celine67 posté le 14-10-2011 à 21:07:50 (S | E | F)
Hello everyone,
I'm preparing the "concours d'entrée aux écoles de commerce" and a big part of it is the
Could someone help me please?.
Thanks in advance.
Here is the text in French:
"La dimension inéluctable de l'événement rend plus poignante encore cette image de prières à l'extérieur de la prison. Mais, au-delà du terrible sentiment d'impuissance qui marque ces visages, une lueur d'espoir éclaire ce moment de douleur: et si c'était la dernière fois qu'on assistait à pareille scène aux EU? Ces derniers jours, la médiatisation a été si forte, l'émotion si vaste, que l'impact négatif sur l'image du pays tout entier - et donc celle de Barack Obama, privé de pouvoir dans cette affaire relevant du droit des états - paraît plus ravageur que jamais. Ravageur et, espérons-le, décisif: cette nation, où la proportion d'abolitionnistes progresse de manière prometteuse (ils seraient près de 30% aujourd'hui), peut-elle vraiment se permettre d'exécuter froidement, au risque de passer aux yeux du monde pour l'égale en la matière de la Chine ou du Pakistan. On a tendance à l'oublier, mais entre 1967 et 1977, suite à un moratoire, aucune exécution n'avait eu lieu dans le pays. Et si un sursaut de conscience collective faisait à nouveau basculer les EU du côté de la vie?"
Telerama, 28 septembre 2011
And here is my try:
The supplications out of the prison were seen as even more poignant because of the unavoidable dimension of the event. But beyond those faces which are marked with a terrible feeling of powerlessness there is cause for hope however in this moment of pain. What if it was the last time you could attend such a scene in the US? These last days, media coverage has been so intensive, emotion so wide, that the whole country has therefore suffer bad press - and so did Barack Obama who is powerless in this state-owned affair(/case?). This negative impact has been destructive and may hopefully be conclusive. Could this nation, where the part of abolitionists increases in a hopeful way (they should be about a 30% now), really allow itself to execute coldly (/without feeling?) without being taken for the equivalent of China or Pakistan?
We are inclined to forget it, but between 1967 and 1977, after a moratorium, no executions had taken place in the country. What if the Americans with a startle of collective conscience would make the US swing over to the lifeside?
The objective is to make it sound natural for an English speaker...
Thank you very much,
Céline
-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 14-10-2011 21:50
couleur du texte et forum
Réponse: Death Penalty in the USA de gerondif, postée le 14-10-2011 à 23:04:23 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
quelques modifications, de votre texte, mais je ne cherche pas à me rapprocher du texte français, simplement à changer ce qui me semble moins naturel:
The supplications out of (outside) the prison were seen as even more poignant because of the unavoidable dimension of the event.
But(je remplacerais par Yet, pour donner plus d'effet), beyond those faces (which are) marked with a terrible feeling of powerlessness there is however cause for hope
What if it was(le subjonctif were irait mieux) the last time you could attend (witness semblerait plus adéquat) such a scene in the US? These last days, media coverage has been so intensive, emotion so wide, that the whole country has therefore suffer(participe passé) bad press - and so did(l'auxiliaire précédent était has) Barack Obama who is powerless in this state-owned(semble bizarre) affair(/case?).
(I would have said: ...Barack Obama whose hands are tied in this state issue)
This negative impact has been destructive and may hopefully be conclusive. Could this nation, where the part(number) of abolitionists increases in a hopeful(encouraging) way (they should be (they are said to be, ) about
We are inclined to (semble bizarre, je généraliserais plus: People often forget it)forget it, but between 1967 and 1977, after (thanks to) a moratorium, no executions had taken place(there had been no more executions) in the country. What if the Americans with a startle (thanks to a pang of remorse)of collective conscience would(subjonctif) make the US swing over to the pro-life side?
Réponse: Death Penalty in the USA de notrepere, postée le 15-10-2011 à 04:21:52 (S | E)
HelloThe supplications outside the prison were seen as (1) even more poignant because of the unavoidable dimension (2) of the event. But beyond those faces which are marked with a terrible feeling (3) of powerlessness there is cause for hope (4) however in this moment of pain (5). What if it were the last time you could attend such a scene in the US? These last days (6), media coverage has been so intensive, emotion so wide (7), that the whole country has therefore suffer bad press - and so did Barack Obama who is powerless in this state-owned affair(/case?) (8).
(1) il me semble que le verbe 'make' (au passé) vaut mieux
(2) cette traduction ne va pas
dimension: Lien Internet
sous "importance"
Pourquoi pas mettre l'événement au début de la phrase? The gravity/magnitude of the event was made even more poignant by the prayers being said outside the prison walls.
(3) l'ordre des mots change le sens du texte
But beyond the sense of helplessness/powerlessness that marks their faces...
(4) faire un double clic sur le mot 'lueur' et vous obtiendrez une meilleure traduction de l'expression 'lueur d'espoir'
(5) Vous n'avez pas traduit le verbe 'éclairer'
(6) For the past few days est plus courant
(7) on dirait: emotions so high est plus courant
(8) national issue?
Ça suffit pour le moment.
Réponse: Death Penalty in the USA de celine67, postée le 16-10-2011 à 19:33:14 (S | E)
Thanks a lot to both of you for your help
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