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Technologies/information
Message de patrick0 posté le 09-10-2011 à 01:13:38 (S | E | F)
Bonsoir,
Dans le cadre d'une dissertation à effectuer en anglais, je dois répondre à la question:
“What are the advantages and drawbacks of 21st century Information Technology?”.
Ainsi, j'aurais souhaité savoir, si possible, oùest ce que mon texte comportait des fautes?
Voici le texte:
Nowadays, in 21st century, technologies like phones, internet, and radios play an essential role in the day to day activities of companies and people whereas in past it was a very rare thing. That is why i’m going to present the advantages and drawbacks of information technology.
First of all, I would say that information technology has lots of advantages. In fact, it shares information quickly and efficiently and thus, it brings down barriers of linguistic and geographic boundaries and thus it has changed the way that the world does business. Thanks to it, companies have developed e-commerce which helps many businesses to become profitable because it increases productivity and therefore adds revenue streams. Moreover, information technology enables businesses to be open anytime all over the world. In addition, it’s possible for consumers and companies to communicate with anyone or any business around the world by video conferencing or by sending an email for an almost instantaneous response. In fact, for instance, thanks to the social network “Facebook” everybody can, by internet, keep in touch with a friend who lives far from him. Besides information technology creates new and interesting jobs like computers programmers, web designers …
However, information technology has some drawbacks because, for example, people are worried about the lack of privacy on internet. In fact, they don’t want that their once private information becoming public knowledge. Furthermore, because of the globalization, developed by Information technology and therefore the relocation of many companies, there are lots of mass redundancies.
In conclusion, to my mind information technology are very important and plays a very essential role in our day to day activities, but it’s necessary to control all their inconvenient like the lack of privacy.
Merci d'avance pour votre aide.
Cordialement.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 09-10-2011 07:49
Message de patrick0 posté le 09-10-2011 à 01:13:38 (S | E | F)
Bonsoir,
Dans le cadre d'une dissertation à effectuer en anglais, je dois répondre à la question:
“What are the advantages and drawbacks of 21st century Information Technology?”.
Ainsi, j'aurais souhaité savoir, si possible, où
Voici le texte:
Nowadays, in 21st century, technologies like phones, internet, and radios play an essential role in the day to day activities of companies and people whereas in past it was a very rare thing. That is why i’m going to present the advantages and drawbacks of information technology.
First of all, I would say that information technology has lots of advantages. In fact, it shares information quickly and efficiently and thus, it brings down barriers of linguistic and geographic boundaries and thus it has changed the way that the world does business. Thanks to it, companies have developed e-commerce which helps many businesses to become profitable because it increases productivity and therefore adds revenue streams. Moreover, information technology enables businesses to be open anytime all over the world. In addition, it’s possible for consumers and companies to communicate with anyone or any business around the world by video conferencing or by sending an email for an almost instantaneous response. In fact, for instance, thanks to the social network “Facebook” everybody can, by internet, keep in touch with a friend who lives far from him. Besides information technology creates new and interesting jobs like computers programmers, web designers …
However, information technology has some drawbacks because, for example, people are worried about the lack of privacy on internet. In fact, they don’t want that their once private information becoming public knowledge. Furthermore, because of the globalization, developed by Information technology and therefore the relocation of many companies, there are lots of mass redundancies.
In conclusion, to my mind information technology are very important and plays a very essential role in our day to day activities, but it’s necessary to control all their inconvenient like the lack of privacy.
Merci d'avance pour votre aide.
Cordialement.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 09-10-2011 07:49
Réponse: Technologies/information de dsmith, postée le 10-10-2011 à 03:04:07 (S | E)
Bonjour,
Très bonne dissertation. Voici quelques corrections:
-in the 21st century ... and ... in the past ...
-i'm -> The pronoun "I" should always be capitalized - even here.
computer programmers
...lack of privacy on the internet...
...they don't want their ... to become public knowledge...
...information technology is...
-inconvenient is an adjective - you need the noun - inconveniences
Excellent. Congratulations!
Doug
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 10-10-2011 07:24
Réponse: Technologies/information de patrick0, postée le 10-10-2011 à 17:50:06 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup pour votre aide et vos conseils!!!
Par contre, est ce que vous avez vu des éléments superflus, qui ne sont pas essentiels? Car je dois réaliser un texte de 250 mots avec +/- 10% et là je dépasse le nombre de mots autorisés.
Merci pour votre aide.
Cordialement.
Réponse: Technologies/information de lucile83, postée le 10-10-2011 à 18:31:47 (S | E)
Hello,
Vous en êtes à combien de mots?
...à mon avis 16 lignes X 20 mots = 320 mots, ce qui vous fait 70 mots en trop soit 3,5 lignes.Je ne tiens pas compte des +/- 10%.
A vous de voir maintenant ce que vous voulez effacer.
Réponse: Technologies/information de patrick0, postée le 10-10-2011 à 19:43:22 (S | E)
Je suis, avec les corrections, à 289 mots et je dois m'approcher le plus possible des 275 mots, mais bon sinon je pense pas que ma prof me pénalisera, enfin j'espère.
Réponse: Technologies/information de sherry48, postée le 11-10-2011 à 01:07:38 (S | E)
Hello patrick0.
Consider revising the long sentence with 'and thus' twice.
Other nonessential words are in these phrases...in fact, for instance...because for instance, First of all, I would say ... In conclusion, to my mind...
Consider a different part of speech, such as a gerund or a noun in a sentence such as this...Thanks to it, companies have developed e-commerce which helps many businesses to become profitable because it increases productivity and therefore adds revenue streams.
Adjectives such as very, are also easily cut.
I think you can do this quite easily.
Sherry
Réponse: Technologies/information de patrick0, postée le 11-10-2011 à 12:32:24 (S | E)
Merci pour votre aide!!
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