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Correction/primary school
Message de hya28 posté le 06-02-2011 à 13:53:20 (S | E | F)
Hello,
I am a student and I wonderif whether someone could correct this writing for me please.
Et merci à vous professeurs.
I can clearly remember the first day in primary school... the night before I was very happy
and I kept thinking about school and I sang songs.
at morning I got out of bed impatienly and started to prepare myself, the whole family was still asleep I had a quick wash,and i was wearing my clothes.
I was excited to study in a big school as my brother told me..
when my Mother woke i say to him : "good morning mom i'm ready can we go".
she said: it's yet early my daughter you will have breakfast and after we will go.
I became angry and noisy for him and I tlod with an impatient voice : but I m ready me I want go I want go I was very stubborn that she was said to me : do you want sweep the classes room.
I answered : no I don't.
she told me :just sit down and wait until it is time to leave.
time passed slowly but eventually I was in the school, iit was a crowded place . all these children and them parents made noises I was scared to stayed alone ,my Mother let my hand and told me : now I should leave you take care of yourself and dont do anything you think is bad.
I respnded to him : stay yet with me .
she said : no,my daughter now you should discover this world alone if you want to grow. she kissed me and she left.
I was very afraid but I pretend responsable and strong.. a few minutes later they call me and I joined a row of students, a girl took my hand and told me hello whats your name .... finally with him I found my smill and we continuied together.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 06-02-2011 14:12
Merci d'ajouter la ponctuation.
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Modifié par hya28 le 06-02-2011 19:50
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Modifié par hya28 le 07-02-2011 11:39
Message de hya28 posté le 06-02-2011 à 13:53:20 (S | E | F)
Hello,
I am a student and I wonder
Et merci à vous professeurs.
I can clearly remember the first day in primary school... the night before I was very happy
and I kept thinking about school and I sang songs.
at morning I got out of bed impatienly and started to prepare myself, the whole family was still asleep I had a quick wash,and i was wearing my clothes.
I was excited to study in a big school as my brother told me..
when my Mother woke i say to him : "good morning mom i'm ready can we go".
she said: it's yet early my daughter you will have breakfast and after we will go.
I became angry and noisy for him and I tlod with an impatient voice : but I m ready me I want go I want go I was very stubborn that she was said to me : do you want sweep the classes room.
I answered : no I don't.
she told me :just sit down and wait until it is time to leave.
time passed slowly but eventually I was in the school, iit was a crowded place . all these children and them parents made noises I was scared to stayed alone ,my Mother let my hand and told me : now I should leave you take care of yourself and dont do anything you think is bad.
I respnded to him : stay yet with me .
she said : no,my daughter now you should discover this world alone if you want to grow. she kissed me and she left.
I was very afraid but I pretend responsable and strong.. a few minutes later they call me and I joined a row of students, a girl took my hand and told me hello whats your name .... finally with him I found my smill and we continuied together.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 06-02-2011 14:12
Merci d'ajouter la ponctuation.
-------------------
Modifié par hya28 le 06-02-2011 19:50
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Modifié par hya28 le 07-02-2011 11:39
Réponse: Correction/primary school de headway, postée le 06-02-2011 à 14:15:10 (S | E)
Bonjour,
Je vous propose un début de correction:
"clearly i remember the (I can clearly remember my... serait plus fluide)first day in primary school... this night ( La nuit précédente???) I was very happy
and i dont stop to (Je n'arrêtais pas de... Utiliser: to keep+ing)think about it and to repet songs. at morning breathlessly( ça me semble un peu fort) i (majuscule)get(temps) out of bed impatienly i start(même remarque) preparing my soul(??? Que voulez-vous dire?) that the whole family was still sleeping(peut être que "asleep" conviendrait mieux) i washed my hands and my face and i brushed my hair and change my clothes i was excited to study in a big school as my brother told me as my mother woke up i say(votre mère vous a réveillée alors que vous étiez debout avant toute la famille...) to him good morning mom i'm ready can we go she said it s yet early my daughter you will take(je préfère: have breakfast) your breakfast and afetr that we will go i become angry and noisy for him and i tlod with an impatient voice but i m ready me i want go i want to go i was very stilborn(stillborn=mort-né; voulez-vous dire "stubborn?"de toute façon ça ne convient pas) that she said to me do you want to sweep the classes room i answered no i don t she sai sit up (sit up= s'asseoir, dans le cas où la personne est allongée)and i will take you in the right time... time passed slowly but lastly (eventually)i was in the school it was a crowded place that i stayed to see all these children and them parents i had scared to be alone in this noisy crowd my mother let my hand and told me now i should leave you take care of you and dont do anything you think is bad i reply to him dont go now stay yet with me she said no daughter now you should discover this world alone if you want to grow ..and she kiss me and go i was very afraid but i pretend responsable and strong.. a few minutes later they call me and i adjoined a row of students a girl took my hand and told me hello whats your name .... finally with him i found my smill and we continuied together"
La ponctuation incorrecte, entre autre chose, rend rend la lecture de "votre" travail difficile.
Je laisse la main.
Headway.
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Modifié par headway le 06-02-2011 14:22
Il y a encore beaucoup de corrections à apporter.
Réponse: Correction/primary school de hya28, postée le 06-02-2011 à 15:20:37 (S | E)
Merci infiniment professeur
Merci infiniment.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 06-02-2011 15:27Une phrase avec référence à Dieu effacée.
Réponse: Correction/primary school de headway, postée le 06-02-2011 à 15:49:24 (S | E)
Re-bonjour,
C'est gentil mais je ne suis pas professeur.
Faites une première correction avec les quelques indications et en ajoutant la ponctuation.
Headway.
Réponse: Correction/primary school de violet91, postée le 06-02-2011 à 19:39:54 (S | E)
Bonsoir hya28,Aux justes remarques déjà faites , j'ajouterai :
1) A partir de " that ( rejet dns le passé), variez les prétérits réguliers et irréguliers de votre narration.
2 )Si vous utilisez le style direct( dialogues entre mère & fille ),tirets et apostrophes. Présent , impératif et futur simple.
3 ) oh! Les pron. personnels : " I" élémentairement et éternellement majuscule .Mother = fém. = she ( sujet),her (cplt)
4) Orth.et mots : stubborn (entêtée), spiteful( capricieuse, agressive), smile ( sourire)...
5 ) I washed my face , hands and teeth
( au -)= I had a quick wash/ I had ( manger, boire.. en vous # to take : prendre , emporter dns ses mains ) 6 ) 3 parties ; introd/ narration/ conclusion : alinéas voire 1 ligne sautée pour bien les marquer.Coupez votre texte en nombreuses phrases courtes et même prop. indépendantes entre 2 points : cela donne du souffle.
7 ) Etes-vous sûre des postpositions " up" ( redresse-toi, tiens- toi bien = sit up...# assieds- toi et attends un peu = just sit down and wait until it is time to go .( start , leave..).
Good luck : cela devrait aller : merci de nous montrer votre exploitation .Mignonne petite évocation.
Réponse: Correction/primary school de hya28, postée le 06-02-2011 à 20:19:56 (S | E)
bonsoir violet91
merci merci merci merci merci
infiniment c gentil de votre part merci pour votre effort et votre aide.
merci infiniment
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