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Essai de dissertation
Message de calm posté le 23-12-2010 à 13:20:02 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
voilà je me lance dans un essai de dissertation dont le sujet est :
Do you think emigrating to a new country is an enriching or a traumatising experience?
Voic mon essai, qu'en pensez-vous (grammaire, construction ...)
Merci à vous pour l'aide apportée.
For a long time, many people coming from India, Africa, East of Europe and other countries emigrate to Europe and United Kingdom which are the main shelters for immigrants.
Before they arrive, they are hopeful, later most of them are disappointed.
When they immigrate to a new country, they are searching for happiness, success, and also for some of them to live decently, to eat and could finally live in dignity. They want a good wage, great job and a house.
They think everybody has got the same rights, same luck. For example, when a foreigner comes in the United States, he wants to reach the American dream which is a good way of integrating society.
They are full of dream and believe strongly they can escape from poverty and misery.
Unfortunalety, most of them are aware of the disappointment and false hopes. They have to fight against poor living conditions, unemployment. Generally, they live underground and illegal because they are not regulated. They live in fear of being deported.
Foreigner meets also obstacles with religion. They are often not in right to openly practice their religion, they must adapt (for Muslims that’s difficult).
However, immigration can be the opportunity to discover a new culture and way of life.
As for as I am concerned, I’m a bit optimistic. I think with courage, strength, determination will and a bit of talent an immigrant can fulfill his dreams and earn his living.
To conclude, I think immigrating to a new country is globally a traumatizing experience. Most of people are not able to escape from poverty and don’t find happiness.
But some people arrive to fulfill their dream.
Nevertheless, that’s quite rare.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 23-12-2010 13:27
Message de calm posté le 23-12-2010 à 13:20:02 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
voilà je me lance dans un essai de dissertation dont le sujet est :
Do you think emigrating to a new country is an enriching or a traumatising experience?
Voic mon essai, qu'en pensez-vous (grammaire, construction ...)
Merci à vous pour l'aide apportée.
For a long time, many people coming from India, Africa, East of Europe and other countries emigrate to Europe and United Kingdom which are the main shelters for immigrants.
Before they arrive, they are hopeful, later most of them are disappointed.
When they immigrate to a new country, they are searching for happiness, success, and also for some of them to live decently, to eat and could finally live in dignity. They want a good wage, great job and a house.
They think everybody has got the same rights, same luck. For example, when a foreigner comes in the United States, he wants to reach the American dream which is a good way of integrating society.
They are full of dream and believe strongly they can escape from poverty and misery.
Unfortunalety, most of them are aware of the disappointment and false hopes. They have to fight against poor living conditions, unemployment. Generally, they live underground and illegal because they are not regulated. They live in fear of being deported.
Foreigner meets also obstacles with religion. They are often not in right to openly practice their religion, they must adapt (for Muslims that’s difficult).
However, immigration can be the opportunity to discover a new culture and way of life.
As for as I am concerned, I’m a bit optimistic. I think with courage, strength, determination will and a bit of talent an immigrant can fulfill his dreams and earn his living.
To conclude, I think immigrating to a new country is globally a traumatizing experience. Most of people are not able to escape from poverty and don’t find happiness.
But some people arrive to fulfill their dream.
Nevertheless, that’s quite rare.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 23-12-2010 13:27
Réponse: Essai de dissertation de notrepere, postée le 23-12-2010 à 17:36:20 (S | E)
Bonjour xxxx: Merci d'essayer d'aider cette personne. Malheureusement, les conseils donnés ne sont pas corrects.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 23-12-2010 17:52
Le nécessaire a été fait car il n'est pas tolérable d'induire les autres en erreur.
Réponse: Essai de dissertation de calm, postée le 24-12-2010 à 12:13:52 (S | E)
Bonjour,
cela signifie que les corrections reçues hier ne sont pas correctes ?
merci de votre retour
Réponse: Essai de dissertation de alphonse46, postée le 24-12-2010 à 13:42:44 (S | E)
Bonjour Calm
A mon avis tu mélanges le temps présent avec des évènements anciens, il faudrait que tu réécrives ton texte en utilisant le prétérit, et éventuellement le passé composé, lorsque tu veux évoquer des situations ayant débuté dans le passé et qui se poursuivent, ou ont un lien direct avec la situation actuelle.
Si tu utilises le présent, cela veut dire que tu énonces des idées générales qui ont toujours existé, ou que tu décris des situations actuelles.
Bon courage, et bon Noël.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 24-12-2010 13:46
Réponse: Essai de dissertation de calm, postée le 24-12-2010 à 14:08:09 (S | E)
Merci pour ces conseils, voici mon nouvel essai.
Merci à vous pour votre aide
Très bon Noel
For a long time, many people coming from India, Africa, East of Europe and other countries emigrate to Europe and United Kingdom which are the main shelters for immigrants.
Before they have arrived, they were hopeful, later most of them were disappointed.
When they immigrated to a new country, they were searching for happiness, success, and also for some of them to live decently, to eat and could finally live in dignity. They have wanted a good wage, great job and a house.
They have thought everybody have got the same rights, same luck. For example, when a foreigner comes in the United States, he wants to reach the American dream which is a good way to integrate society.
They were full of dream and believe strongly they could escape from poverty and misery.
Unfortunately, most of them were aware of the disappointment and false hopes. They have to fight against poor living conditions, unemployment.
Generally, they lived underground and illegally because they are not regulated. They lived in fear of being deported.
Foreigner has met also obstacles with religion. They were often not in right to openly practice their religion, they must adapt (for Muslims that’s difficult).
However, immigration can be the opportunity to discover a new culture and way of life.
As far as I am concerned, I’m a bit optimistic. I think with courage, strength, determination will and a bit of talent an immigrant can fulfill his dreams and earn one’s living.
To conclude, I think immigrating to a new country is globally a traumatizing experience. Most of people are not able to escape from poverty and don’t find happiness.
But some people arrive to fulfill their dream.
Nevertheless, that’s quite rare.
Réponse: Essai de dissertation de alphonse46, postée le 24-12-2010 à 14:24:36 (S | E)
for some of them, afin de ne pas répéter 'for', je te propose :concerning
Réponse: Essai de dissertation de alphonse46, postée le 24-12-2010 à 14:29:10 (S | E)
complément:
'live with dignity' me paraît plus conforme que ' live in dignity'
Réponse: Essai de dissertation de alphonse46, postée le 24-12-2010 à 14:42:20 (S | E)
re-bonjour:
Il me semble que ' to live...to eat...to live..' est un peu lourd et la forme 'to' ne me paraît pas appropriée dans cette phrase, je préférerais que tu utilIses une phrase parlant d'objectif : purpose ,aim.
Réponse: Essai de dissertation de alphonse46, postée le 24-12-2010 à 14:45:34 (S | E)
In the U.S.A. = être aux U.S.A.
To the U.S.A. = entrer aux U.S.A.
Réponse: Essai de dissertation de alphonse46, postée le 24-12-2010 à 14:51:27 (S | E)
Poursuite:
Si tu commences ta phrase par 'they were' alors il faut continuer au prétérit: believed, ou alors utiliser le substantif: belief
Réponse: Essai de dissertation de alphonse46, postée le 24-12-2010 à 14:58:40 (S | E)
regulated: ce sont les documents, tels que permis de travail, permis temporaire de séjour qui peuvent ne pas être renouvelés,et qui méritent d'être 'régularisés', mais des individus ne peuvent pas être 'regulated': officials papers have to be in order
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Modifié par alphonse46 le 24-12-2010 16:23
Réponse: Essai de dissertation de calm, postée le 24-12-2010 à 15:01:44 (S | E)
merci beaucoup pour toutes ces précisions
Réponse: Essai de dissertation de alphonse46, postée le 24-12-2010 à 15:25:09 (S | E)
Obstacles with religion, ou :obstacles about free religious practising
Réponse: Essai de dissertation de alphonse46, postée le 24-12-2010 à 15:49:16 (S | E)
'Foreigner has met', puis phrase suivante: 'they..
Il me semble plus adroit de mettre un pluriel à 'foreigner'
Réponse: Essai de dissertation de alphonse46, postée le 24-12-2010 à 15:53:23 (S | E)
dans la phrase qui commence par : 'As far', il faudrait que tu repenses à la place de 'will'
de plus: 'I think that' me semble nécessaire
to conclude, ou 'in conclusion of...'
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Modifié par alphonse46 le 24-12-2010 15:54
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Modifié par alphonse46 le 24-12-2010 15:55
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