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Travel to America
Message de charlemagne91 posté le 09-10-2010 à 19:14:01 (S | E | F)
DM anglais 1 :
Bonjour,
Pouvez-vous m’aider en corrigeant la syntaxe et l’orthographe de mon texte ? S’il vous plait ?
The narrator’s grandfather and his sister took the train in Poland , at Lwow.
They go to America, certainly in New-York because they through Ellis Island.
They wanted to emigrate, to fulfil the American Dream .
First they took the train and then, they took the boat.
Two characters made that remarkable trip
Sylvia was the sister’s grandfather. So, he was her brother.
The girls”lond hair” was a problem because all the passengers “had to be inspected” before to take the boat to America. The girls must pass a medical exam: a inspection for lice. Lice could be hiding into long hair. Girls were waiting long hours because the inspection was too long.
Indeed, they nearly miss the boat.
The grandfather howled “fire! Fire!” : He provoked a very big confusion while he took Susha’s hand. They could run and took the boat.
He is Sylvia’s brother’s grandchild.
He heard the story for the first time “so long ago” that he could ‘nt “remember…”
Maybe he was a child.
“…” is a phrase repeated several times because it was a raison to miss the boat and to stop the travel to New-York. It’s a mean to maintain the suspense in the story and to raise the curiosity of the grandchild.
The first time he heard the story, he did not remember why was the girls “long hair” a problem. He was puzzled about this small detail.
Later the narrator would heard that story an other time. He know that his Grandfather likes to tell he this story. It’s a tradition !
Merci de votre aide
Message de charlemagne91 posté le 09-10-2010 à 19:14:01 (S | E | F)
DM anglais 1 :
Bonjour,
Pouvez-vous m’aider en corrigeant la syntaxe et l’orthographe de mon texte ? S’il vous plait ?
The narrator’s grandfather and his sister took the train in Poland , at Lwow.
They go to America, certainly in New-York because they through Ellis Island.
They wanted to emigrate, to fulfil the American Dream .
First they took the train and then, they took the boat.
Two characters made that remarkable trip
Sylvia was the sister’s grandfather. So, he was her brother.
The girls”lond hair” was a problem because all the passengers “had to be inspected” before to take the boat to America. The girls must pass a medical exam: a inspection for lice. Lice could be hiding into long hair. Girls were waiting long hours because the inspection was too long.
Indeed, they nearly miss the boat.
The grandfather howled “fire! Fire!” : He provoked a very big confusion while he took Susha’s hand. They could run and took the boat.
He is Sylvia’s brother’s grandchild.
He heard the story for the first time “so long ago” that he could ‘nt “remember…”
Maybe he was a child.
“…” is a phrase repeated several times because it was a raison to miss the boat and to stop the travel to New-York. It’s a mean to maintain the suspense in the story and to raise the curiosity of the grandchild.
The first time he heard the story, he did not remember why was the girls “long hair” a problem. He was puzzled about this small detail.
Later the narrator would heard that story an other time. He know that his Grandfather likes to tell he this story. It’s a tradition !
Merci de votre aide
Réponse: Travel to America de brettdallen, postée le 09-10-2010 à 23:21:08 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
Mon PC est très très fatigué et je ne peux même plus faire de copier-coller pour vous proposer des éléments de corrections, cependant je peux vous dire que votre texte ressemble à une liste de phrases décousues, sans véritable lien les unes avec les autres. Vous devriez reconsidérer l'ensemble en essayant de créer une progression logique. Avant de faire(ici "traduire") vos phrases, faites un plan ! Un plan correspondant à un cheminement !
Autre point : il s'agit d'un récit, vous évoquez, à travers ces personnages, l'immigration aux États-Unis, en particulier le passage par Ellis Island, soyez donc cohérent avec l'utilisation des temps ! L'ensemble ou presque doit être construit au passé ("past simple", ou si nécessaire "past perfect".)
Première chose : relisez-vous et demandez-vous si ce que vous écrivez peut être compris immédiatement par vos lecteurs (= êtes-vous logique, fluide et pertinent.)
Amicalement.
Réponse: Travel to America de charlemagne91, postée le 10-10-2010 à 13:50:57 (S | E)
Bonjour,
c'est normal que ce soit décousu,
En fait, je voulais juste savoir pour l'orthographe.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 10-10-2010 13:52
Réponse: Travel to America de linou66, postée le 10-10-2010 à 15:31:01 (S | E)
Hello,
I find the begining well.
After, I would say :
The girls whom had a ”long hair” were a problem because all the passengers “had to be inspected” before taking the boat to America. The girls must pass a medical exam: an inspection for lice. Lice could be hiding into long hair. Girls were waiting some long hours because the inspection was too long.
Indeed, they nearly missed the boat.
The grandfather howled “fire! Fire!” : He provoked a very big confusion while he took Susha’s hand. They could run and took the boat.
He is Sylvia’s brother’s grandchild. (Tu veux dire : Il est le petit fils du frère de Sylvia ? Si oui, ok.)
It’s a way to maintain the suspense in the story and to (raise) increase the curiosity of the grandchild.
The first time he heard the story, he did not remember why (was) were the girls “long hair” a problem. (ce sont les filles aux longs cheveux qui sont un problème, donc the girls were)
Later the narrator would hear(d)(pas de d, ce n'est pas du passé, tu utilise would) that story another (another en un seul mot) time. He know that his Grandfather likes to tell (he)him this story. It’s a tradition !
I think it would be better like that.
Salut.
Réponse: Travel to America de charlemagne91, postée le 10-10-2010 à 15:42:47 (S | E)
thank you very much !
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