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Correction/in a public park
Message de kha007 posté le 04-03-2010 à 17:39:54 (S | E | F)
Hi everyone
j'ai fait une rédaction ce matin et j'ai besoin d'aide pour la correction.
Ce texte vise à s'exercer sur le presentt continuous et present simple
Dear Samantha
I am currently in a public park not far from home. It’s a beautiful day and there are several people around me. I'm sitting reading a newspaper. Let me describe you what is happening now. I am seeing a group of young people sitting in the grass around a meal. Many people are making physical activities. One man is doing gymnastics and another is jogging. I am also seeing children playing in the sand and other fun on the slides. You can see below two teens who throw them a ball. We can also see lovers kissing. Suddenly my eye falls on an old man. He was from 80 years old. He has white hair and a long white bear; it’s looking like Santa Claus. He is wearing a red jacket with black trousers. He is walking slowly through the park with a cane. Also comimg to enjoy the lovely weather.
merci d'avance pour toute aide.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 04-03-2010 18:32
Message de kha007 posté le 04-03-2010 à 17:39:54 (S | E | F)
Hi everyone
j'ai fait une rédaction ce matin et j'ai besoin d'aide pour la correction.
Ce texte vise à s'exercer sur le presentt continuous et present simple
Dear Samantha
I am currently in a public park not far from home. It’s a beautiful day and there are several people around me. I'm sitting reading a newspaper. Let me describe you what is happening now. I am seeing a group of young people sitting in the grass around a meal. Many people are making physical activities. One man is doing gymnastics and another is jogging. I am also seeing children playing in the sand and other fun on the slides. You can see below two teens who throw them a ball. We can also see lovers kissing. Suddenly my eye falls on an old man. He was from 80 years old. He has white hair and a long white bear; it’s looking like Santa Claus. He is wearing a red jacket with black trousers. He is walking slowly through the park with a cane. Also comimg to enjoy the lovely weather.
merci d'avance pour toute aide.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 04-03-2010 18:32
Réponse: Correction/in a public park de gerondif, postée le 04-03-2010 à 17:57:19 (S | E)
Bonjour,
Dear Samantha
I am currently in a public park not far from home. It’s a beautiful day and there are several people around me. I'm sitting reading a newspaper. Let me describe to you what is happening now. I am seeing (*)a group of young people sitting in the grass around a meal. Many people are making(going ou practising conviendrait mieux) physical activities. One man is doing gymnastics and another is jogging. I am also seeing (*)children playing in the sand and others fun(il n'y a pas de verbe! s'amuser = to have fun) on the slides. You can see below two teens who throw(à mettre en ing) them a ball. We can also see lovers kissing. Suddenly my eyes falls(2 yeux = verbe pluriel) on an old man. He was(pourquoi le prétérit) from 80 years old. He has white hair and a long white bear(un ours ??); it’s (homme = humain = he) looking like (c'est vrai en permanence, mettre au présent simple) Santa Claus. He is wearing a red jacket with black trousers. He is walking slowly through the park with a cane. (sujet du verbe ?)Also comimg to enjoy the lovely weather.
(*) les verbes de perception n'acceptent pas le présent en ing, à la place, on emploie can pour montrer que ça a lieu en ce moment:
je te vois: I can see you !
je t'entends: I can hear you.
Réponse: Correction/in a public park de lolotte63, postée le 04-03-2010 à 18:10:32 (S | E)
Bonjour, voici quelques propositions de correction :
I can see a group of young people sitting ON the grass and having a picnic.
Many people are practising ...
A man is ... and an other one is ...
I can also see/watch children ... and others having fun ...
Pourquoi passer à "you" ensuite ?? Mieux vaut garder "I".
Donc : ... And two teenagers are throwing a ball to each other (ou "are playing with a ball" si "each other" n'est pas connu). Suddenly my eyes are caught (mais avez-vous vu cette expression en classe?? Sinon, gardez votre expression mais la mettre au présent progressif=continuous))by an old man. He is about 80, with white hair and ... beard ("bear" signifie "ours" !). "It's" étant pour un objet et non pour un homme, je vous laisse corriger.
"Walking-stick" serait préférable à "cane", mais l'avez-vous vu en classe ??
Ne pas couper entre les 2 dernières phrases, elles peuvent être reliées avec un "probably here to enjoy ...too (= lui aussi)".
En espérant vous avoir aidé(e)
Bonne soirée,
Lolotte 63
Réponse: Correction/in a public park de kha007, postée le 04-03-2010 à 18:29:57 (S | E)
c'est super gentil, j'avoue que je m'attendais pas à autant de fautes. Merci beaucoup pour ta correction. au sujet de bear, j'ai oublié un "d" quelque part.thank you very much
Réponse: Correction/in a public park de kha007, postée le 04-03-2010 à 18:33:49 (S | E)
Merci aussi à Lolotte 64.
vous avez d'excellentes suggestions.
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