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Rédaction : About an operation !
Message de tinou93 posté le 04-04-2008 à 18:47:59 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous !
Nous devons écrire une rédaction sur le sujet suivant : Have you ever had an operation ? Talk about it.
La prof nous a précisé que cela pouvait être aussi une fracture, etc...
Alors, je poste la mienne car j'aimerais l'améliorer...
In December 2005, when I was in second form, I had a little accident at school. I remember I was in physics and with Auriane and Alice, we were making a cardboard house where we put up different lights. We wanted to decorate it so we fitted a piece of carpet, we colorated the wall and we made in paper a sofa, a kitchen and a television. In a comic, some paintings were drawn and we wanted to photocopy them. Si, I went out the classroom and I went to see Evelyne for the photocopies. While I was coming back, I feel in the stairs on my right arm. I stayed the day at school silently but I was very bad. I thought the pain disappeared.
When I came back home, I phoned my mother who was very worried because she thought it was important. I was taken to doctor by she at 9 p.m. He said me:
“Don't worry, it's not very serious but you will have to go to hospital tomorrow morning...”
So, the nest day, on Friday, we went to La Flèche to have an X-ray. I was very scared when I came in radiology center. I put my arm on the table and the man installed the video camera on my arm. After different captures, I went to waiting-room. He announced me: “You have a radius fracture. So, you will have to go to the hospital for the plaster. You kept it for about two weeks.” I was afraid and at ease!
My mother drove me there and I didn't wait because the doctor was ready immediately! During she filled in a form, the old man prepared the bandages, he put them in a water tank. I sit down and he applied them after the “cotton” on my arm and my hand. How hot it is! I wondered how the simple bandages will be a big plaster!
Fortunately, I was in Christmas holidays so, we could stay at home and it was easier for me. The most difficult was taking shower with bin liner, wearing sweater and eating in left hand! I always remember, it was a bad and a good memento, with all my family, the Christmas night, I opened my Playstation Portable and I couldn't play because the plaster couldn't help move my fingers, I couldn't keep it ! It was very long to wait the end of the holiday, so the end of the plaster, to play it !!!
Merci d'avance
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Modifié par lucile83 le 04-04-2008 23:11
titre pas d'accent dans 'operation' ni en anglais en général.
Message de tinou93 posté le 04-04-2008 à 18:47:59 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous !
Nous devons écrire une rédaction sur le sujet suivant : Have you ever had an operation ? Talk about it.
La prof nous a précisé que cela pouvait être aussi une fracture, etc...
Alors, je poste la mienne car j'aimerais l'améliorer...
In December 2005, when I was in second form, I had a little accident at school. I remember I was in physics and with Auriane and Alice, we were making a cardboard house where we put up different lights. We wanted to decorate it so we fitted a piece of carpet, we colorated the wall and we made in paper a sofa, a kitchen and a television. In a comic, some paintings were drawn and we wanted to photocopy them. Si, I went out the classroom and I went to see Evelyne for the photocopies. While I was coming back, I feel in the stairs on my right arm. I stayed the day at school silently but I was very bad. I thought the pain disappeared.
When I came back home, I phoned my mother who was very worried because she thought it was important. I was taken to doctor by she at 9 p.m. He said me:
“Don't worry, it's not very serious but you will have to go to hospital tomorrow morning...”
So, the nest day, on Friday, we went to La Flèche to have an X-ray. I was very scared when I came in radiology center. I put my arm on the table and the man installed the video camera on my arm. After different captures, I went to waiting-room. He announced me: “You have a radius fracture. So, you will have to go to the hospital for the plaster. You kept it for about two weeks.” I was afraid and at ease!
My mother drove me there and I didn't wait because the doctor was ready immediately! During she filled in a form, the old man prepared the bandages, he put them in a water tank. I sit down and he applied them after the “cotton” on my arm and my hand. How hot it is! I wondered how the simple bandages will be a big plaster!
Fortunately, I was in Christmas holidays so, we could stay at home and it was easier for me. The most difficult was taking shower with bin liner, wearing sweater and eating in left hand! I always remember, it was a bad and a good memento, with all my family, the Christmas night, I opened my Playstation Portable and I couldn't play because the plaster couldn't help move my fingers, I couldn't keep it ! It was very long to wait the end of the holiday, so the end of the plaster, to play it !!!
Merci d'avance
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 04-04-2008 23:11
titre pas d'accent dans 'operation' ni en anglais en général.
Réponse: Rédaction : About an operation ! de violet91, postée le 04-04-2008 à 21:43:23 (S | E)
Bonsoir,tinou,
Ton texte est ntéressant et assez bon.
1ère chose : reprends tous tes verbes en vérifiant bien que tu as mis le prétérit ou un temps composé (past perfect).V.iiréG incontournables décidément (to fall down or off the stairs .Secod year's form.(5ème). Physics lesson.To hurt. "I was afraid and at ease?"bizarre.explicite,un peu. Au final, combien de mots as-tu utilisés? Il faut viser 800 à 1000 si tu es es 3è ou 2deLV1.
Bon courage : c'est bien parti. violet
Réponse: Rédaction : About an operation ! de gee, postée le 04-04-2008 à 21:44:00 (S | E)
Hi Tinou, je te fais quelques remarques sans prétendre corriger tout!
Have you ever had an opération ? Talk about it.
Pourquoi ne pas employer le mot anglais operation (sans accent)?
La prof vous a précisé, dis-tu, que cela pouvait être aussi une fracture, etc... Alors, tu postes la tienne (ta fracture?) car tu aimerais l'améliorer (n'est-ce pas la réduire?)...
In December 2005, when I was in second form,(are you sure it isn't in the second form?) I had a little accident at school. I remember I was in physics and with Auriane and Alice, we were making a cardboard house where (ce serait mieux de dire "dans laquelle") we put up different lights. We wanted to decorate it, so we fitted a piece of carpet, we colorated (verb to colour) the wall and we made in paper a sofa, a kitchen and a television. In a comic, some paintings were drawn (some paintings were drawn in a comic: à la manière d'une bande dessinée)and we wanted to photocopy them. Si (?), I went out the classroom [and I went] to see Evelyne for the photocopies. While I was coming back,(ce serait plus courant de dire "on my way back") I feel (to feel, sentir, to fall, fell fallen, tomber) in the stairs on my right arm. I stayed the day at school silently but I was very bad. I thought the pain disappeared (tense: would...)
When I came back home, I phoned my mother who was very worried because she thought it was important. I was taken to doctor by she at 9 p.m.(je construirais plutôt: à 21h, elle m'emmena chez le docteur). He said me:
“Don't worry, it's not very serious but you will have to go to hospital tomorrow morning...”
So, the nest day, on (a) Friday, we went to La Flèche to have an X-ray. I was very scared when I came in (article) radiology center. I put my arm on the table and the man installed the video camera on my arm. After different captures, I went to (article)waiting-room. He (who is he?) announced me: “You have a radius fracture. (or simply: Your radius is broken) So, you will have to go to the hospital for the plaster. You kept (future tense) it for about two weeks.” I was afraid and at ease!
My mother drove me there and I didn't wait because the doctor was ready immediately! During (While?)she filled in a form, the old man prepared the bandages, he put them in a water tank. I sit (tense) down and he applied them after (yes, the plaster came after the cotton but it also was spread OVER) the “cotton” on my arm and my hand. How hot it is!(why present?) I wondered how the simple bandages will (tense)be a big plaster!
Fortunately, I was in Christmas holidays, so, we could stay at home and it was easier for me. The most difficult was taking shower with bin liner, wearing sweater and eating in left hand! I always remember, it was a bad and a good memento, with all my family, the Christmas night, I opened my Playstation Portable and I couldn't play because the plaster couldn't help move my fingers (si c'est couldn't help moving my fingers, cela veut dire que le plâtre ne pouvait s'empêcher de mouvoir les doigts; serait-ce couldn't help my fingers to move?? mais je choisirais un autre verbe que to help; à voir?), I couldn't keep it ! It was very long to wait the end of the holiday, so the end of the plaster, to play it !!!
Enjoy your weekend.
Réponse: Rédaction : About an operation ! de gee, postée le 04-04-2008 à 21:46:40 (S | E)
Si tu lis mon texte, tinou, fais le de manière désinvolte. Suis plutôt les conseils du grand professeur qui vient de te répondre. J'ignorais que Violet serait là pour t'aider.
Réponse: Rédaction : About an operation ! de tinou93, postée le 05-04-2008 à 11:52:04 (S | E)
Bonjour à tous les deux et merci,
J'ai donc vérifié mes verbes, établi les quelques modifications...
Pour "I was afraid and at ease!", je voulais dire que j'étais éffrayée et à la fois rassurée.
In December 2005, when I was in second year’s form, I had a little accident at school. I remember I was in Physics Lesson and with Auriane and Alice; we were making a cardboard house where we put up different lights. We wanted to decorate it so we fitted a piece of carpet, we coloured the wall and we made in paper a sofa, a kitchen and a television. In a comic, some paintings were drawn and we wanted to photocopy them. So, I went out the classroom and I went to see Evelyne for the photocopies. While I was coming back, I feel in the stairs on my right arm. I stayed the day at school silently but I was very bad. I thought the pain disappeared.
When I came back home, I phoned my mother who was very worried because she thought it was important. At 9 p.m, I was taken to doctor by her. He said me:
“Don’t worry, it’s not very serious but you will have to go to hospital tomorrow morning...”
So, the next day, on Friday, we went to La Flèche to have an X-ray. I was very scared when I came in radiology center. I put my arm on the table and the man installed the video camera on my arm. After different captures, I went to waiting-room. He announced me: “You have a radius fracture. So, you will have to go to the hospital for the plaster. You kept it for about two weeks.” I was afraid and at ease!
My mother drove me there and I didn’t wait because the doctor was ready immediately! During she filled in a form, the old man prepared the bandages, he put them in a water tank. I sit down and he applied them over the “cotton” on my arm and my hand. How hot it was! I wondered how the simple bandages will be a big plaster!
Fortunately, I was in Christmas holidays so, we could stay at home and it was easier for me. The most difficult was taking shower with bin liner, wearing sweater and eating in left hand! I always remember, it was a bad and a good memento, with all my family, the Christmas night, I opened my Playstation Portable and I couldn’t play because the plaster couldn’t help my fingers to move, I couldn’t keep it ! It was very long to wait the end of the holiday, so the end of the plaster, to play it !!!
Pour finir, ce texte va nous permettre de valider le niveau A2. La prof nous a dit d'écrire environ 100 mots (sans les articles...) et qu'il valait mieux en faire plus que pas assez... :-)
Merci
Réponse: Rédaction : About an operation ! de violet91, postée le 05-04-2008 à 13:03:03 (S | E)
merci Gee ..qui est lui -même tout aussi patient et très bon professeur!
bonjout tinou..j'avais dans l'idée que tu préparais ton A2.Tu as bien rempli ton contrat au niveau du nombre de mots!
Encore des modifications:
--A second year's pupil--a small accident---the Physics lesson---Auriane,Alice and I (sujet)---A sofa with paper---a tv set--I was allowed to leave the classroom---I fell down (I tripped :trébuché?) and hit my .arm---I kept silent for the whole school day ; I didn't complain---To the doctor's (place or surgery)--The centre (UK!)---to hospital---"You'll have to keep it for 2 weeks---While + Be + ing---I sat---I was afraid ,yet (pourtant) I felt relieved.(rassurée) ---The bandages would become---a memory (souvenir immédiat)--Having---To be on holidays---to wait for---With my left hand--Dressing up.--- putting sweaters on---The plaster stopped me from moving my fingers----I just couldn't wait any longer to play with my game.
Et,maintenant, avec gee et moi ,et surtout ton travail personnel déjà intéressant...cela devrait grimper au top!!
Good luck! violet
Réponse: Rédaction : About an operation ! de tinou93, postée le 06-04-2008 à 14:47:46 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup !!!
Vous m'avez beaucoup aidé
Réponse: Rédaction : About an operation ! de TravisKidd, postée le 06-04-2008 à 15:03:18 (S | E)
One had bettre remembre that in British English, words that should end in the lettres -er in fact end in -re. So the next time you are writing a lettre to the radiology centre, remembre to put the lettres R and E in the propre ordre, or you will never again be allowed to entre the centre (if you try to entre, the workres there will throw you out on your kiestre)!! And if necessary, please tell your mothre, fathre, brothre or sistre to do the same!!
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Modifié par lucile83 le 06-04-2008 15:50
Must we laugh at that?
