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Message de uzrok44 posté le 21-01-2018 à 12:46:40 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
Je ne pense pas qu'il y ait beaucoup de fautes dans mon texte. Je demande surtout votre avis concernant mon texte, en effet il fait 7"22 d'élocution, or, je n'ai que 5 minutes durant l'oral. Et je suis très peu synthétique, pourriez-vous m'aider à repérer les éléments du texte dont je peux mesacrifier passer ? Merci !
The American dream is the notion that the social, political and economic system makes it possible for everyone to live the dream. We are going to answer this question: "is the American dream still achievable"?
First of all, the AD is a very large notion; there are different dreams: self reliance, to start from scratch, to go from rags-to-riches, the pursuit of happiness, , and many others.
I/ Big jump into the past
A) The AD was already Dead in the past
Because it was difficult to achieve. In fact, the immigrants who came to America in the 1900s, this "voyage to freedom" represented for them equality, growth and progress. But it was also cutting of one's root, facing of a difficult journey accepting low paid jobs and living into the poorest district of NYC. As reality did not meet their expectation, they started to gather into ethnical communities Believe me This was not the AD they expected.
B) But It has existed
The AD was achievable. many of the immigrants succeeded in living the dream. We saw in the BBC document that Francisco’s parents started from scratch and now have two houses and two cars.
Some immigrants think that their family have prospered here.
II/ Let’s get back to the present now
1) the AD is Dead
A) 2 videos
Video how do you define the AD ? And do u still believe in the AD ?
For some people it is about being rich
for others, it is more about not being in danger
for someone the AD is dead.
→There is a difference of ambition that shows that the American dream is fading
Also many more speak of high expectations being dashed. They have struggled for nothing.
Some people think the AD is not possible for everyone. In fact, inequality in race, religion and ethnicity prevents everyone to be living the dream? in addition to that, poor life prospects, an imperiled majority group status, and a yearning for a bald, aggressive leadership is killing it. "The AD is not possible for people who are not a lawyer or a banker" as a Trump supported said. In fact, today's, the AD "turned into a nightmare" as Bernie Sander said. The AD is dead because of materialism and consumerism, it turned the AD into an american dream made in China.
B) The end of the DACA program
The DACA is a kind of administrative relief from deportation. The purpose is to protect eligible immigrant youth who came to the United States when they were children.
The document is an editorial published 5 month ago and written by an immigrant Lawyer.
Trump wants to cancel the DACA program
According to the lawyer, canceling DACA is the best way to crush the AD.
He’s against trump’s decision which is dreadful for the country, its people and the AD.
→ Trump is slowly killing the AD.
2) Still Alive mais nuancé
nowadays, it's way more easy to achieve the AD. In fact, now we have access to technology.
Also, the economy of America is growing. In fact, the GPD is 57,466.79 USD.
A) Fareed Zakaria
The document is an article from time magaznie written by an Indian born journalist and published in 2010.
Accordnig to fareed zacharia: The Americans are fatalistic they have lost their « can-do « Spirit.
That's what's behind the sentence "the ad is STILL alive"
But the reason he believes in the American dream is optimism.
Because the USA are well know for their diversity, oppeness and dynamism.
Cultural and ethnical diveristy ( salad bowl) Even if some people like Trump doesn’t like salad. A mix of diferents origins
C) CONCLUSION
The problem is the poeple/Wrong dream direction/ l’AD a évolué/changé
The problem is that people DOESNT?? understand the notion of the AD. In fact, like tommy hilfiger said, the notion of American dream is often used, but also often misunderstood. As a matter of fact, the AD is not about getting rich or famous, it's about things much more simple and essential than that, like having a family, being happy.
the notion of the AD always change through time. Now, rather than growing rich and famous, people try to avoid poverty of loneliness.
the AD was achievable, and it still achievable, but you have to toil for it, even if there are many difficulties. , because from difficulties grow miracles. In addition to that, Finally, I want to say one more thing, the road to the Ad is fficult to navigate, but with hard work, drive and motivation, the AD is possible.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 21-01-2018 14:34
Message de uzrok44 posté le 21-01-2018 à 12:46:40 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
Je ne pense pas qu'il y ait beaucoup de fautes dans mon texte. Je demande surtout votre avis concernant mon texte, en effet il fait 7"22 d'élocution, or, je n'ai que 5 minutes durant l'oral. Et je suis très peu synthétique, pourriez-vous m'aider à repérer les éléments du texte dont je peux me
The American dream is the notion that the social, political and economic system makes it possible for everyone to live the dream. We are going to answer this question: "is the American dream still achievable"?
First of all, the AD is a very large notion; there are different dreams: self reliance, to start from scratch, to go from rags-to-riches, the pursuit of happiness, , and many others.
I/ Big jump into the past
A) The AD was already Dead in the past
Because it was difficult to achieve. In fact, the immigrants who came to America in the 1900s, this "voyage to freedom" represented for them equality, growth and progress. But it was also cutting of one's root, facing of a difficult journey accepting low paid jobs and living into the poorest district of NYC. As reality did not meet their expectation, they started to gather into ethnical communities Believe me This was not the AD they expected.
B) But It has existed
The AD was achievable. many of the immigrants succeeded in living the dream. We saw in the BBC document that Francisco’s parents started from scratch and now have two houses and two cars.
Some immigrants think that their family have prospered here.
II/ Let’s get back to the present now
1) the AD is Dead
A) 2 videos
Video how do you define the AD ? And do u still believe in the AD ?
For some people it is about being rich
for others, it is more about not being in danger
for someone the AD is dead.
→There is a difference of ambition that shows that the American dream is fading
Also many more speak of high expectations being dashed. They have struggled for nothing.
Some people think the AD is not possible for everyone. In fact, inequality in race, religion and ethnicity prevents everyone to be living the dream? in addition to that, poor life prospects, an imperiled majority group status, and a yearning for a bald, aggressive leadership is killing it. "The AD is not possible for people who are not a lawyer or a banker" as a Trump supported said. In fact, today's, the AD "turned into a nightmare" as Bernie Sander said. The AD is dead because of materialism and consumerism, it turned the AD into an american dream made in China.
B) The end of the DACA program
The DACA is a kind of administrative relief from deportation. The purpose is to protect eligible immigrant youth who came to the United States when they were children.
The document is an editorial published 5 month ago and written by an immigrant Lawyer.
Trump wants to cancel the DACA program
According to the lawyer, canceling DACA is the best way to crush the AD.
He’s against trump’s decision which is dreadful for the country, its people and the AD.
→ Trump is slowly killing the AD.
2) Still Alive mais nuancé
nowadays, it's way more easy to achieve the AD. In fact, now we have access to technology.
Also, the economy of America is growing. In fact, the GPD is 57,466.79 USD.
A) Fareed Zakaria
The document is an article from time magaznie written by an Indian born journalist and published in 2010.
Accordnig to fareed zacharia: The Americans are fatalistic they have lost their « can-do « Spirit.
That's what's behind the sentence "the ad is STILL alive"
But the reason he believes in the American dream is optimism.
Because the USA are well know for their diversity, oppeness and dynamism.
Cultural and ethnical diveristy ( salad bowl) Even if some people like Trump doesn’t like salad. A mix of diferents origins
C) CONCLUSION
The problem is the poeple/Wrong dream direction/ l’AD a évolué/changé
The problem is that people DOESNT?? understand the notion of the AD. In fact, like tommy hilfiger said, the notion of American dream is often used, but also often misunderstood. As a matter of fact, the AD is not about getting rich or famous, it's about things much more simple and essential than that, like having a family, being happy.
the notion of the AD always change through time. Now, rather than growing rich and famous, people try to avoid poverty of loneliness.
the AD was achievable, and it still achievable, but you have to toil for it, even if there are many difficulties. , because from difficulties grow miracles. In addition to that, Finally, I want to say one more thing, the road to the Ad is fficult to navigate, but with hard work, drive and motivation, the AD is possible.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 21-01-2018 14:34
Réponse : Oral/aide de gerold, postée le 26-01-2018 à 18:55:41 (S | E)
Bonjour
En lisant votre texte, j'ai noté (en bleu) quelques erreurs, dont certaines sont sans doute des fautes de frappe.
Même pour un oral, vous devriez faire attention aux majuscules qui manquent souvent dans les noms propres ou qui apparaissent sans raison au milieu des phrases.
J'ai souligné en vert quelques passages peu clairs ou de moindre intérêt que vous pourriez enlever pour raccourcir votre texte.
The American dream is the notion that the social, political and economic system makes it possible for everyone to live the dream (pas très explicite, vous dites en gros "le rêve c'est la possibilité pour chacun de vivre le rêve") . We are going to answer this question: "is the American dream still achievable"?
First of all, the AD is a very large notion; there are different dreams: self reliance, to start from scratch, to go from rags-to-riches, the pursuit of happiness, , and many others.
I/ Big jump into the past
A) The AD was already Dead in the past
Because it was difficult to achieve. In fact, the immigrants who came to America in the 1900s, this "voyage to freedom" represented
B) But It has existed
The AD was achievable. many of the immigrants succeeded in living the dream. We saw in the BBC document that Francisco's parents started from scratch and now have two houses and two cars.
Some immigrants think that their family have prospered here.
II/ Let's get back to the present now
1) the AD is Dead
A) 2 videos
Video how do you define the AD ? And do u still believe in the AD ?
For some people it is about being rich
for others, it is more about not being in danger
for someone the AD is dead.
?There is a difference of ambition that shows that the American dream is fading
Also many more speak of high expectations being dashed. They have struggled for nothing.
Some people think the AD is not possible for everyone. In fact, inequality in race, religion and ethnicity prevents everyone to be living the dream? in addition to that, poor life prospects, an imperiled majority group status
, and a yearning for a bald, aggressive leadership is killing it. "The AD is not possible for people who are not a lawyer or a banker (le pluriel serait mieux) " as a Trump supported said. In fact, today's, the AD "turned into a nightmare" as Bernie Sander said. The AD is dead because of materialism and consumerism, it turned the AD into an american dream made in China . B) The end of the DACA program
The DACA is a kind of administrative relief from deportation. The purpose is to protect eligible immigrant youth who came to the United States when they were children.
The document is an editorial published 5 month ago and written by an immigrant Lawyer.
Trump wants to cancel the DACA program
According to the lawyer, canceling DACA is the best way to crush the AD.
He's against trump's decision which is dreadful for the country, its people and the AD.
? Trump is slowly killing the AD.
...
Réponse : Oral/aide de gerold, postée le 26-01-2018 à 19:06:24 (S | E)
(suite)
2) Still Alive mais nuancé
nowadays, it's way more easy to achieve the AD. In fact, now we have access to technology.
Also, the economy of America is growing. In fact, the GPD is 57,466.79 USD (la technique et la croissance économique ne garantissent pas l'accès à l'AD, et le GPD n'a pas beaucoup de sens sans élément de comparaison).
A) Fareed Zakaria
The document is an article from time magaznie written by an Indian-born journalist and published in 2010.
Accordnig to fareed zacharia: The Americans are fatalistic they have lost their « can-do « Spirit.
That's what's behind the sentence "the ad is STILL alive"
But the reason he believes in the American dream is optimism.
Because the USA are well know (conjugaison) for their diversity, oppeness and dynamism.
Cultural and ethnical diveristy ( salad bowl) Even if some people like Trump doesn’t like salad. A mix of diferents origins
C) CONCLUSION
The problem is the poeple/Wrong dream direction/ l’AD a évolué/changé
The problem is that people DOESNT?? (people est un pluriel) understand the notion of the AD. In fact, like tommy hilfiger said, the notion of American dream is often used, but also often misunderstood. As a matter of fact, the AD is not about getting rich or famous, it's about things much more simple and essential than that, like having a family, being happy.
the AD was achievable, and it still achievable, but you have to toil for it, even if (ce n'est pas logique)there are many difficulties. , because from difficulties grow miracles. In addition to that, Finally, I want to say one more thing, the road to the Ad is fficult to navigate, but with hard work, drive and motivation, the AD is possible.
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