Correction/paragraphes
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Message de tamtam78 posté le 08-01-2018 à 22:54:22 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous,
Pouvez-vous corriger ces petits paragraphes s'il vous plait ?
1)
I am writing to tell you that the dates for my internship is from early April to end July.
I'm searching anything on I.T, something like web development or mobile development.
But, personally i prefer web development because it's a little bit simple and no need hard working and i can be productive.
Anyways i'm also open to learn new language like JAVA, C#, or Python
Please find enclosed my internship CV
I remain at your disposal for any informations, thank you very munch for your help and you attention !
Best regards.
2)
Created and designed a web application called Rintaro Store using a framework. Rintaro Store is a very simple ionic firebase shopping cart, compatible from Android 5.0 to 7.0
3)
Created and designed a website using a framework. It’s a Blog with a system of super administrator and members. Members can post, edit, add or delete articles and the administrator can control all members activities.
4)
Programmed a motorway traffic simulation game in C language in a way to make it as real as possible, like the collision management, speed score system, distance travelled, and more features included.
Je vous remercie de votre attention !
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Modifié par lucile83 le 08-01-2018 22:56
Message de tamtam78 posté le 08-01-2018 à 22:54:22 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous,
Pouvez-vous corriger ces petits paragraphes s'il vous plait ?
1)
I am writing to tell you that the dates for my internship is from early April to end July.
I'm searching anything on I.T, something like web development or mobile development.
But, personally i prefer web development because it's a little bit simple and no need hard working and i can be productive.
Anyways i'm also open to learn new language like JAVA, C#, or Python
Please find enclosed my internship CV
I remain at your disposal for any informations, thank you very munch for your help and you attention !
Best regards.
2)
Created and designed a web application called Rintaro Store using a framework. Rintaro Store is a very simple ionic firebase shopping cart, compatible from Android 5.0 to 7.0
3)
Created and designed a website using a framework. It’s a Blog with a system of super administrator and members. Members can post, edit, add or delete articles and the administrator can control all members activities.
4)
Programmed a motorway traffic simulation game in C language in a way to make it as real as possible, like the collision management, speed score system, distance travelled, and more features included.
Je vous remercie de votre attention !
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 08-01-2018 22:56
Réponse : Correction/paragraphes de lemonsbananas, postée le 10-01-2018 à 11:13:19 (S | E)
Hi there !
Tes phrases sont, dans l'ensemble correctes, mais trop figés. Voici une correction détaillée :
1)
I am writing to tell you that the dates for my internship is from early April to end July.
Est ce que c'est l'intro de ta lettre ? C'est la première fois que tu t'adresses à ce destinataire ?
=> (Correction Grammaticale) I am writing to you to tell you my internship will run from early April to the end of July.
=> (Ce que j'aurai dis) I am looking for an internship from early April to the end of July, and I am interested in doing so in (NAME THE COMPANY).
I'm searching anything on I.T, something like web development or mobile development.
'To search' n'est pas vraiment utilisé dans ce sens. Quel est le ton de ta letter ? 'something like' est assez familier. Si c'est une lettre de demande de stage, ce n'est pas le ton que tu cherches à employer.
=> I'm searching for anything in I.T, something like web dev or mobile dev.
=> Your I.T department would be a perfect fit, especially the web or mobile development team.
But, personally i prefer web development because it's a little bit simple and no need hard working and i can be productive.
Pareil, 'personally I prefer' est familier. Est ce que tu veux vraiment dire dans une lettre de demande de stage que tu ne veux pas travailler dur ?
=> But, I personally prefer web dev because it's a bit simpler, there's no need for hard work, and I can be productive.
=> In particular, I am keen on web development because of its productivity.
Anyways i'm also open to learn new language like JAVA, C#, or Python<
'Anyways' est trop oral pour une lettre de demande de stage. Pareil pour l'abréviation, trop oral.
=> I am open to learn new languages like JAVA, C# or Python.
=> I am ready to learn new languages, such as JAVA, C# or Python.
Please find enclosed my internship CV.
Internship CV ? Que veux tu dire ?
=> Please find enclosed my CV.
=> You will find attached (enclosed) my CV with a list of my previous internships.
I remain at your disposal for any informations, thank you very munch for your help and you attention !
Attention, 'information' est invariable. Et 'to munch' : mâcher, mâchouiller.
=> I remain at your disposal for any information. Thank you very much for your help and your attention.
=> I remain at your disposal for any additional information, and I thank you for your attention.
Best regards.
2)
Created and designed a web application called Rintaro Store using a framework. Rintaro Store is a very simple ionic firebase shopping cart, compatible from Android 5.0 to 7.0
J'imagine que c'est une ligne de ton CV ?
=> Created and designed a web application (Rintaro Store) using a framework. (the rest is good)
3)
Created and designed a website using a framework. It’s a Blog with a system of super administrator and members. Members can post, edit, add or delete articles and the administrator can control all members activities.
=> Created and designed a website using a framework. It is a blog with a system of super administrator and members. Members can post, edit or delete articles and the administrator can control all the member's activities.
4)
Programmed a motorway traffic simulation game in C language in a way to make it as real as possible, like the collision management, speed score system, distance travelled, and more features included.
=> Programmed a motorway traffic simulation game in C language. The goal was to make it as real as possible. We included features such as :collision management, speed score system and distance travelled.
===> Fais attention à la longueur et la dynamique de tes phrases. En anglais, la phrase la plus courte = la phrase la plus claire.
===> Attention au niveau de language également.
===> Dans un CV, il faut faire un choix. Soit tu écris des phrases complètes ou des notes. Cependant, si tu choisis les notes, fais attention à la clarté de tes propos. Il vaut mieux faire des listes que des phrases sans sens.
Voilà, j'espère que c'est assez clair
Marie
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Modifié par lucile83 le 15-01-2018 12:23
Mise en page standard. Correction toute faite non admise; merci d'y veiller la prochaine fois.
Réponse : Correction/paragraphes de tamtam78, postée le 15-01-2018 à 11:27:45 (S | E)
Oui, c'est pour mon CV. Merci beaucoup pour la correction !
Bonne journée.
Réponse : Correction/paragraphes de here4u, postée le 15-01-2018 à 14:01:25 (S | E)
Hello!
Attention ! La correction a été faite dans l'optique d'une lettre de motivation ... S'il s'agit d'un CV, les règles sont totalement différentes (Un CV est beaucoup plus formel, et très différent des CV français.) Il convient de chercher des modèles sur Internet pour avoir les "règles" et de vous y conformer. (Sinon, cet envoi sera systématiquement mis de côté ... 
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